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chineseinkI'm weird and in a strange mood and so instead of writing any of the things I should be writing (Mary Sue parody, Kyu/everybody, real KT fic), I write this. I would almost categorize this as pretentious angst except I can justify it so it's not. Gratuitous angst, maybe, yeah. Ugh.
My Heart is a Dying Soldier
Super Junior, KangTeuk, PG, 648 words
Jealousy is a black emotion.
My Heart is a Dying Soldier
by![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
meitachi
Kangin slammed the door shut, knowing there was no one to hear him--well, except for the neighbors who might not appreciate being woken up at four in the morning. But what did Kangin care? He was drunk and he was angry and he was miserable. He kicked his shoes off and threw himself across his bed with a brusque, muttered, "Fuck this shit."
His phone rang, a high-pitched metallic song bursting out of its tiny speakers. Kangin was tempted to throw the phone across the room, but he recognized that ringtone. He swore again because it was the last person in the world he wanted to talk to right then, but he would never not pick up. He knew that. And Leeteuk knew it too.
"What," Kangin snapped into the phone.
"Are you okay?"
The voice carrying over the phone was soft, concerned, so very Leeteuk that Kangin couldn't stand it.
"What do you think?" he asked shortly, rolling onto his back and staring up at his ceiling in the dark.
"Kangin-ah," Leeteuk started, but the use of his stage name inexplicably made Kangin angrier. He interrupted, fingers curling into his blankets, silver wristband digging into his skin.
"When you think about it, we're not that close, are we, hyung?"
Leeteuk stopped and Kangin could picture his expression, upset, mouth turned down, unhappy. He seemed at a loss for what to say. "Youngwoon," he tried at last, voice dropping with a mix of distress and displeasure. Kangin closed his eyes and breathed hard through his nose. He could always tell Leeteuk's moods through his voice. "You know better than that. You know you're one of the people I'm closest to. Youngwoon-ah..."
Kangin snorted his disbelief. His heart pulled in longing. He wished.
"What's the matter with you?" Now Leeteuk sounded frustrated, words sharp. "You storm out of here and now you won't talk to me and you just-- Don't do this, Youngwoon. I."
"You what? You think it's not fair that you have to deal with this? You think I should be more reasonable?" Kangin knew his words stung and he was viciously glad, out to hurt the way he hurt. A tight feeling hung tight in his chest, choking and black. It had a name. "Well, just suck it up and deal with it, hyung. I'm not fucking perfect, okay? I'm not the good little dongsaeng that Hyukjae is."
Jealousy.
It was an ugly emotion, irrational and cruel, and Kangin knew it. He knew he should know better--but how could he pretend he didn't see or that he didn't feel? He was only human, failing, imperfect. He fisted his hands, head spinning.
"Youngwoon--" Leeteuk said again, pleading.
"Look, I'm going to bed. I have a shitload of things to do tomorrow. Why don't you find Hyukkie to make everything better?"
Kangin heard the sharp intake of breath. "Fuck you," Leeteuk said finally, voice small and hard. Kangin's heart jerked and he eased out a breathy, humorless laugh because he couldn't let Leeteuk know--
"Yeah, well. I love you too, hyung."
He hung up and put his face to his hands.
Fuck, he thought. "Fuck," he repeated out loud. He chucked his phone across the room, uncaring where it landed or if it did in one piece. Then he shoved his blankets off the bed with an angry sweep of his arm.
Kangin pictured Leeteuk's face again. He punched the mattress and wished he weren't so goddamned in love with the smile he'd just done a good job at erasing. Wished he weren't so small-hearted and jealous. Wished Leeteuk could just fucking understand. Wished, wished, wished fruitlessly.
Nothing is right, he thought, hating himself, hating Leeteuk. Where did we go wrong, Jungsu?
He fell asleep with the first slivers of dawn edging over the horizon, wearing the clothes and stench and bitter memories of night.
What good is dreaming when I can't even sleep here?
What good is lying down when there's no one to hold?
--
Started/Finished: 03.16.08
Notes: I kind of hate this. Title adapted from a song by The Juliana Theory. Lyrics taken from 10,000 Questions by The Juliana Theory. They're pretty awesome.
My Heart is a Dying Soldier
Super Junior, KangTeuk, PG, 648 words
Jealousy is a black emotion.
My Heart is a Dying Soldier
by
meitachiKangin slammed the door shut, knowing there was no one to hear him--well, except for the neighbors who might not appreciate being woken up at four in the morning. But what did Kangin care? He was drunk and he was angry and he was miserable. He kicked his shoes off and threw himself across his bed with a brusque, muttered, "Fuck this shit."
His phone rang, a high-pitched metallic song bursting out of its tiny speakers. Kangin was tempted to throw the phone across the room, but he recognized that ringtone. He swore again because it was the last person in the world he wanted to talk to right then, but he would never not pick up. He knew that. And Leeteuk knew it too.
"What," Kangin snapped into the phone.
"Are you okay?"
The voice carrying over the phone was soft, concerned, so very Leeteuk that Kangin couldn't stand it.
"What do you think?" he asked shortly, rolling onto his back and staring up at his ceiling in the dark.
"Kangin-ah," Leeteuk started, but the use of his stage name inexplicably made Kangin angrier. He interrupted, fingers curling into his blankets, silver wristband digging into his skin.
"When you think about it, we're not that close, are we, hyung?"
Leeteuk stopped and Kangin could picture his expression, upset, mouth turned down, unhappy. He seemed at a loss for what to say. "Youngwoon," he tried at last, voice dropping with a mix of distress and displeasure. Kangin closed his eyes and breathed hard through his nose. He could always tell Leeteuk's moods through his voice. "You know better than that. You know you're one of the people I'm closest to. Youngwoon-ah..."
Kangin snorted his disbelief. His heart pulled in longing. He wished.
"What's the matter with you?" Now Leeteuk sounded frustrated, words sharp. "You storm out of here and now you won't talk to me and you just-- Don't do this, Youngwoon. I."
"You what? You think it's not fair that you have to deal with this? You think I should be more reasonable?" Kangin knew his words stung and he was viciously glad, out to hurt the way he hurt. A tight feeling hung tight in his chest, choking and black. It had a name. "Well, just suck it up and deal with it, hyung. I'm not fucking perfect, okay? I'm not the good little dongsaeng that Hyukjae is."
Jealousy.
It was an ugly emotion, irrational and cruel, and Kangin knew it. He knew he should know better--but how could he pretend he didn't see or that he didn't feel? He was only human, failing, imperfect. He fisted his hands, head spinning.
"Youngwoon--" Leeteuk said again, pleading.
"Look, I'm going to bed. I have a shitload of things to do tomorrow. Why don't you find Hyukkie to make everything better?"
Kangin heard the sharp intake of breath. "Fuck you," Leeteuk said finally, voice small and hard. Kangin's heart jerked and he eased out a breathy, humorless laugh because he couldn't let Leeteuk know--
"Yeah, well. I love you too, hyung."
He hung up and put his face to his hands.
Fuck, he thought. "Fuck," he repeated out loud. He chucked his phone across the room, uncaring where it landed or if it did in one piece. Then he shoved his blankets off the bed with an angry sweep of his arm.
Kangin pictured Leeteuk's face again. He punched the mattress and wished he weren't so goddamned in love with the smile he'd just done a good job at erasing. Wished he weren't so small-hearted and jealous. Wished Leeteuk could just fucking understand. Wished, wished, wished fruitlessly.
Nothing is right, he thought, hating himself, hating Leeteuk. Where did we go wrong, Jungsu?
He fell asleep with the first slivers of dawn edging over the horizon, wearing the clothes and stench and bitter memories of night.
What good is dreaming when I can't even sleep here?
What good is lying down when there's no one to hold?
--
Started/Finished: 03.16.08
Notes: I kind of hate this. Title adapted from a song by The Juliana Theory. Lyrics taken from 10,000 Questions by The Juliana Theory. They're pretty awesome.
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