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chineseinkmore impromptu drabbles written on my study break! so much studying tonight. :( i still have at least an hour or two to go. sigh.
Donghae likes Jessica because she's lighthearted and silly without being one of those girls - the aggressive types who's always talking, always confident. Those girls are fun, but not the type he tends to fall for. Jessica is quieter, sweeter, and he knows she gets called "Ice Princess" because she's not nearly as bubbly as some of the other members, but maybe Donghae is missing something because he doesn't understand why. She makes him laugh all the time and maybe her comments are quieter, under her breath, but she has a sense of humor, and she's thoughtful, and she does her best, and Donghae really, really likes her.
Heechul tells him that Yoona is prettier, and Kangin says Taeyeon sings better, and Eunhyuk says Hyoyeon dances better, but Donghae doesn't really care, because Jessica is everything he wants. He likes the way her hair falls in her face and the way she runs her hand through it, absentmindedly. He likes the way she'll look at people under her lashes when she thinks they're not looking. He likes the way she smiles and the way she curls her feet up under her when she gets comfortable on a chair, and he likes the way she likes to hold his hand, and how she kisses, soft and slow and still a little shy. He likes her so much and everyone knows it and it shows and Kibum says, "Don't get hurt," but Siwon just hugs him, and Donghae doesn't care what the future is like because he's happy now.
The picture Sungmin snaps of them that day is one of Donghae's favorites for a long, long time.
***
The hardest thing is knowing that he probably wants you too.
The touching starts out simple, uncomplicated, because you're friends. Because this is just how it is in Korea, between friends. You smile, he hugs you, you hug him, he smiles. It's easy until you go to China, and then all the touches are televised and broadcast and made into tools of trade.
Now you wish you can take it back. You wish you never knew what it was like for his shoulder to fit so comfortably under your arm, or for his head to nestle against your neck, or for the warmth of his back pressed to your front as he leans into you in blind faith. You wish you can take it back and you wonder if you would trade this dream for a different one.
He never says a thing when you put your hand on his thigh or whisper in his ear, because the cameras are rolling, always rolling. You see the shadows in his eyes though, and even though he doesn't pull away when you're alone, in the van, in the hotel, your heart hurts just to see him.
You want him, and he wants you, but this is a world where you will never have him.
You close your eyes and push his face away, remind yourself that this is the dream you are making come true. It's too late to choose again. This is the price of fame, and even if it aches every time you hug him, you choose to do it anyway.
It's better than nothing at all.
***
The thing about Kibum is that he doesn't make close friends easily. He's private and reserved, and that puts him in the minority in a group of thirteen. In his own way, though, Kibum's always had his place, in the backgroud or on the edges. He doesn't mind, because he's used to going unnoticed - life has been like that for him, despite stardom. He's accustomed to it.
The thing about Donghae is that he's special to Kibum and always has been, since the day they met. So Kibum takes advantage of the fact that he can stay in the background to watch over Donghae, in whatever little ways he can. He knows he's not the best at this type of thing, but he tries. Donghae has other people to talk to if he has problems, and other people to force into playing with him, and other people who've known him longer, and so many people who love him and worry over him. Still, Kibum does his best, in his own way.
Sometimes he'll text. Sometimes he'll just be there with a hug. Sometimes they just sit in silence when Donghae has run out of words and has no one else he's comfortable being speechless with.
Kibum is willing to do a lot for Donghae. He begins to suspect the tender feeling he gets every time he sees his hyung. But in the end it doesn't really matter.
It doesn't matter if Kibum loves Donghae a little more than maybe he should, because in the end he will still choose to be whatever Donghae needs.
Started/Finished: 2008.09.03
Donghae likes Jessica because she's lighthearted and silly without being one of those girls - the aggressive types who's always talking, always confident. Those girls are fun, but not the type he tends to fall for. Jessica is quieter, sweeter, and he knows she gets called "Ice Princess" because she's not nearly as bubbly as some of the other members, but maybe Donghae is missing something because he doesn't understand why. She makes him laugh all the time and maybe her comments are quieter, under her breath, but she has a sense of humor, and she's thoughtful, and she does her best, and Donghae really, really likes her.
Heechul tells him that Yoona is prettier, and Kangin says Taeyeon sings better, and Eunhyuk says Hyoyeon dances better, but Donghae doesn't really care, because Jessica is everything he wants. He likes the way her hair falls in her face and the way she runs her hand through it, absentmindedly. He likes the way she'll look at people under her lashes when she thinks they're not looking. He likes the way she smiles and the way she curls her feet up under her when she gets comfortable on a chair, and he likes the way she likes to hold his hand, and how she kisses, soft and slow and still a little shy. He likes her so much and everyone knows it and it shows and Kibum says, "Don't get hurt," but Siwon just hugs him, and Donghae doesn't care what the future is like because he's happy now.
The picture Sungmin snaps of them that day is one of Donghae's favorites for a long, long time.
***
The hardest thing is knowing that he probably wants you too.
The touching starts out simple, uncomplicated, because you're friends. Because this is just how it is in Korea, between friends. You smile, he hugs you, you hug him, he smiles. It's easy until you go to China, and then all the touches are televised and broadcast and made into tools of trade.
Now you wish you can take it back. You wish you never knew what it was like for his shoulder to fit so comfortably under your arm, or for his head to nestle against your neck, or for the warmth of his back pressed to your front as he leans into you in blind faith. You wish you can take it back and you wonder if you would trade this dream for a different one.
He never says a thing when you put your hand on his thigh or whisper in his ear, because the cameras are rolling, always rolling. You see the shadows in his eyes though, and even though he doesn't pull away when you're alone, in the van, in the hotel, your heart hurts just to see him.
You want him, and he wants you, but this is a world where you will never have him.
You close your eyes and push his face away, remind yourself that this is the dream you are making come true. It's too late to choose again. This is the price of fame, and even if it aches every time you hug him, you choose to do it anyway.
It's better than nothing at all.
***
The thing about Kibum is that he doesn't make close friends easily. He's private and reserved, and that puts him in the minority in a group of thirteen. In his own way, though, Kibum's always had his place, in the backgroud or on the edges. He doesn't mind, because he's used to going unnoticed - life has been like that for him, despite stardom. He's accustomed to it.
The thing about Donghae is that he's special to Kibum and always has been, since the day they met. So Kibum takes advantage of the fact that he can stay in the background to watch over Donghae, in whatever little ways he can. He knows he's not the best at this type of thing, but he tries. Donghae has other people to talk to if he has problems, and other people to force into playing with him, and other people who've known him longer, and so many people who love him and worry over him. Still, Kibum does his best, in his own way.
Sometimes he'll text. Sometimes he'll just be there with a hug. Sometimes they just sit in silence when Donghae has run out of words and has no one else he's comfortable being speechless with.
Kibum is willing to do a lot for Donghae. He begins to suspect the tender feeling he gets every time he sees his hyung. But in the end it doesn't really matter.
It doesn't matter if Kibum loves Donghae a little more than maybe he should, because in the end he will still choose to be whatever Donghae needs.
Started/Finished: 2008.09.03
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