[Super Junior] 365 Rotations in a Revolution, PG, Friendship/gen, HyukHae

[meiface.livejournal.com]

Not quite sure what this is, but I'm happy I managed to write something not-Qmi or Kihae for a change. I miss the others too!

365 Rotations in a Revolution
Super Junior, Hyukjae-centric (HyukHae), gen, 2875 words
October is hard, and Donghae provides Hyukjae the reminders he needs.


Hyukjae had read somewhere, once, that he was lucky for having so many best friends. It was most likely on an online fan forum of some sort - a comment to his cyworld, maybe, or to his fancafe. The post lingered in this thoughts even months afterwards, cropping up whenever the ache of missing the most important people made it hard to face the day.

He didn't get like this often, curled up tight under his blankets and staring at the wall, a knot in his stomach and a lump in his throat. He didn't, because he was grateful for so many things in his life. But sometimes - sometimes, life still hurt.

He had so many "best friends", and still he felt like his throat closed up around them. The fans could never know that, could they? That he couldn't tell Donghae how much he missed him because Donghae was having so much fun in China. That he couldn't tell Junsu that he wasn't even sure he knew him anymore, when Junsu was so often so far away, and now buried under a mountain of much more pressing concerns.

How could he talk to Jungsu about his problems when Jungsu was struggling with his own, weighed down by the title he had never volunteered for? How could he talk to Sungmin when he felt like he could never offer Sungmin anything in return? He was always the one with problems; Sungmin was the one who patiently listened and offered advice. It was an unfair, unbalanced relationship, and Hyukjae felt guilty.

Hyukjae had so many best friends, so many.

And yet there were times when he never felt more alone.



It ached that half his band, his support system, his family was in another country for weeks at a time. Hyukjae never felt more complete than when Super Junior was whole, and together. But it hurt even more that he was surrounded by members and friends - and he found himself missing them. Physical distance was nothing in the face of emotional distance.

"Good luck with everything," he said softly, wishing he could do more than offer sympathy. Junsu's "thanks" sounded so tired before he disconnected the call.

"Let me know if I can ever do anything," he told Youngwoon, not quite able to look him in the eye and see the fatigue and regret and self-recrimination.

"Congratulations, hyung," Hyukjae said, and he meant it with all the sincerity of his heart. But his smile was forced when he let Tablo pull him close for a hug, tuxedo crisp against Hyukjae's cheek.

It felt like everyone was leaving him.



"Do you want to talk?" Sungmin asked him, curling a hand lightly over Hyukjae's bicep. There was still a smear of glitter over his eyes from the musical. Hyukjae stared at it and shook his head.

"I'm okay," he said with a wry little shrug. "Just kind of tired." He lied the easiest lie in the world, and Sungmin didn't believe him but let it go.

A part of Hyukjae wished that he hadn't.



Heechul looked almost as haggard as Hyukjae felt recently. His suffered a small pang to his heart to see his hyung like that, not as vibrant as he used to be. "I get it," Heechul told him one day in the common space of the upstairs dorm room, because they were closer now, even if they would never be close. "I miss them, too."

Hyukjae still wasn't sure if Heechul meant Super Junior M or Super Junior, but he'd nodded then, a brief flare of warmth at the empathy. He left with Donghee later, and had fun, and laughed. For that day, in the warmth of Donghee's grin and the crisp fall sunlight, he managed to forget.



October was hard. There were days when Hyukjae was okay, days when posing for the camera after Sukira didn't feel like an act. Those were the days where he hugged Jungsu more, trying give the silent support he knew Jungsu needed. Then there were the days when he called Donghae and heard the laughter in the background, when Donghae showed off another phrase he'd learned in Mandarin and Hyukjae's stomach lurched and clenched. The days when he felt like all his friends before fame had moved on with their normal, average lives without him, and like being idol meant being trapped in a bubble he could never escape from.

October was hard, so Hyukjae threw himself into his activities. He danced. He hung out with Minho and Jonghyun. He called home. He cleaned. He acquired the new hobby of following American bands on the internet, trying to improve his English, wondering if SM would ever send them overseas like JYP had done to Bi and to the Wonder Girls. He wondered how long he'd be stuck in this rut, and did his best not to overthink. It was harder than he hoped.



Jongwoon was never accused of having too many friends. He was the weird one, the one who pulled crazy stunts for the camera and whose awkwardness left people laughing for lack of alternative. Jongwoon didn't seem to mind, content with himself, content with the people he allowed close to him. Hyukjae had never quite understood him but had envied him his self-acceptance, his flippant attitude towards critical eyes.

Hyukjae wondered if he missed Ryeowook and Kyuhyun. He wondered if he was lonely without his closest friends in the group. He didn't have a spate of "best friends" like Hyukjae apparently had, friends who were still ostensibly at his side, with only Donghae out of the country on a prolonged basis - but Jongwoon seemed happier. He seemed to be okay on his own, and Hyukjae envied him that, the ability not the need people the way Hyukjae evidently did.



It was a Monday when he got a text from Kibum, which he remembered because he was still adjusting to broadcasting Sukira after the weekend off. He was so tired. Halfway into Taeyang's new single, Hyukjae's phone buzzed, and he looked down at the name on the screen in surprise.

When he opened the text it said, Cheer up, hyung.

How like Kibum, brief and to the point. How unlike Kibum, whom Hyukjae had never been close to, to send an encouraging message. Hyukjae was fuzzy on the last time he'd even seen Kibum, and he didn't know how to react to the text. Surprise? Pleasure? Gratitude? Confusion?

He wondered if had been that obvious, that even Kibum could tell, from wherever he was, watching from a distance.

Thanks, he sent back, slightly at a loss. I'll work harder! You too!



Super Junior M came back to Korea in preparation for the MNet Asian Music Awards, and November was instantly better than October. Heechul latched onto Hankyung immediately, demanding stories and mocking his accent, which had grown worse with disuse, as usual. Siwon tagged along, contributing his own stories when Hankyung left things out and making Heechul laugh, eyes alight and more alive than Hyukjae had seen in weeks.

Jongwoon cornered Ryeowook for a conversation that involved stories about Ddangkoma. Ryeowook promptly laughed at him, hugged him, and said he was glad to see him again.

Kyuhyun let Jungsu envelop him in a hug, then Donghee, then Sungmin. "I bought a new bottle of wine in preparation for your return," Sungmin informed him with a grin and Kyuhyun laughed.

Hyukjae had missed that sound. Missed him being around in the dorms, playing games in the middle of the night and disrespecting his hyungs in the morning.

Most of all, though, he had missed Donghae, and the way Donghae smiled, even when he looked exhausted. He was thinner than he should be, hair too long and curling out from underneath his beanie, over the collar of his shirt. His eyes were tired, but his smile was warm, through and through.

"Hey," Hyukjae said, desperately casual. He hit Donghae lightly with his fist, glancing off his shoulder.

"Hyukkie," Donghae sighed, and sort of fell into his arms. Hyukjae took a step back to compensate for the weight, grunting, but he didn't really mind as Donghae's warmth enveloped him, everything about him familiar, even after months away. Hyukjae had known him too long for the important things to change. If the day ever came when Donghae was like a stranger to Hyukjae... He didn't want to think about that day. It could never happen.

"Stand up on your own," he said rudely, pushing at Donghae, who only sagged more determinedly on him. Hyukjae hid a smile.

"I'm so tired," Donghae whined into his neck, and Hyukjae let him stay in the circle of his arms without bothering to feign further complaints.

Everyone knew better, anyway.



Donghae could tell immediately. Donghae always could, which Hyukjae had forgotten. The distance was his excuse, because it was so much easier to keep things hidden over the phone. In person though... Donghae could read people intuitively, which was why it was so easy for him to get along with everyone, and it wasn't even a full day after they had come back from China before Donghae's head lolled onto Hyukjae's shoulder and he said curiously, "What's bothering you?"

Hyukjae laid with his head on the pillow, staring up at his ceiling, Donghae curled against his side, a slight dip in the mattress. How different it was with someone else crowding his narrow bed, a physical reminder that you are not alone. Hyukjae almost felt embarrassed of his feelings, now, his doubts and insecurities and inability to speak.

"It's kind of stupid," he mumbled now, turning his head toward the wall and away from Donghae.

"You're pretty stupid," Donghae agreed, but his voice was affectionate. "But everyone gets kind of stupid sometimes. I missed you guys a lot when I was in China..." His voice faded, slightly troubled, and Hyukjae knew without asking that Donghae was remembering his own hard nights, his own loneliness. Hyukjae knew better than anyone that Donghae hated being alone. He could thrive anywhere, but he thrived most among those who loved him. He needed Super Junior just as much as Hyukjae did.

Hyukjae's fingers found Donghae's wrist tentatively. "I missed you, too," he said quietly. "I missed everyone. Even the ones still here." He could hear Donghae shift to look at him, but he kept his face turned towards the wall. "It was... It still is hard. I don't know. I just feel really distant from everyone lately. Like everyone's leaving me."

Donghae's chin found his shoulder, like countless times before. "How?"

So Hyukjae explained, hesitantly at first, a little ashamed of his selfishness. Of course, it was natural that everyone was busy, that everyone had their own lives to deal with. Of course Tablo-hyungnim deserved happiness with his wife. Of course Junsu was busy, caught up in the lawsuit. Of course, of course, of course - and yet he still felt like he was losing them, because they weren't paying enough attention to him. He felt so small.

Hyukjae finally turned to meet Donghae's eyes. "Kibum even texted me," he confessed.

A smile crossed Donghae's face, his eyes crinkling at the corners. "He's a good dongsaeng." Hyukjae couldn't read the depth of affection there, had never been close to Kibum the way Donghae had, but that only made Kibum's text even more extraordinary.

"Yeah, just." Hyukjae shrugged half-heartedly. "I'm just being stupid."

"Yeah," Donghae agreed. "You should stop pushing people away."

His arms wrapped tighter around Hyukjae and Hyukjae blinked, as realization sunk in.

It wasn't only that he had felt like he was losing people - he had also actively pushed people away, as if it would hurt less if he expected them to be distant. He had turned away Sungmin's concern, had told Jungsu time and again that he was fine, never wanting to add to his burdens. He'd never told Donghae how much it ached for him to be far away, only saying "I miss you" because that, at least, was expected. He had never done more than talk to Junsu on the phone, feeling like a wall had come between them without realizing that he had contributed to it. He could have gone to see him - Junsu was in Seoul now, after all. But Hyukjae had thought he was acting altruistically, giving Junsu the space he needed. It had never occurred to him that maybe Junsu would have appreciated support in person, a smile, a reminder that things were going to be okay; a distraction from everything.

"Oh," he said, feeling stupider than ever.

Donghae seemed oblivious to his epiphany, head tucked back in the crook of Hyukjae's neck and eyes closed. He was dozing already, the weeks of not enough sleep evident. Hyukjae looked down at his tousled brown hair and was suddenly, intensely, grateful for him. For this.

He breathed deep and exhaled it slowly, making silent resolutions as he let himself drift into a doze as well.



Later in the week, Hyukjae asked Sungmin to go out to eat with him. "I'll even pay," he offered, which made Sungmin grin and accept. In the end, Sungmin still insisted on paying, because he was the hyung.

His smile was gentle when he said, "I feel like we haven't talked in forever, Hyuk. I'm really glad we could catch up."

The squeeze Hyukjae received on his hand traveled up to his heart.



Hyukjae left a note pinned to Jungsu's mirror with a cute kitty magnet he'd stolen from Heechul. It said, Cheer up, hyung. And because he was always going to be wordier than Kibum, he added: Things will always get better and I love you. Hwaiting!

Jungsu told him later that he'd cried when he saw it.

"You always cry, hyung," he said, but smiled when Jungsu hugged him.



He and Junsu spent a day road-tripping out of Seoul, driving around in the countryside for hours. No one recognized them. They didn't do anything more exciting than stopping at a tiny streetside shop in a village for lunch, but they talked and they laughed and they listened to the new American bands Hyukjae had discovered. It was as close to a perfect day as either of them had had in weeks.



"You're doing a great job in China, hyung," Hyukjae told Hankyung when Super Junior M was leaving for China again. "Good luck."

Hankyung said, surprised but grateful, "Thank you." He looked as if he wasn't quite sure what to do with himself.

"Take care of yourself," Hyukjae added and Hankyung smiled.

"You, too."



"You seem happier," Donghee told him one night in late November as Hyukjae pushed the drawer on Donghae's dresser closed with his hip. Donghee sat on his bed, watching him with some amusement.

Hyukjae flushed slightly. "Yeah." He hadn't even known that Donghee had noticed.

"Should I tell Donghae that you're raiding his porn while he's gone?"

Hyukjae's flush became more pronounced. "I'm not! I'm cleaning his room! I mean, he's such a slob. He was only back for a week and he made such a mess." He stopped talking as Donghee started laughing and realized that Donghee had known all along what he was doing.

"Fine," he said huffily. "Be that way. Live with mold." He walked out with dignity, and absolutely did not crack a smile once he was outside the room.



November had been hard, but it had been easier too. Hyukjae knew he had a lot of friends - "best friends", even. He was grateful for them, like he was grateful for so much else in his life. Sometimes he just needed a reminder, because, sometimes, everyone did.

It had been Donghae this time, but next time it might be Sungmin, or Youngwoon, or even - Hyukjae dared to speculate - Kibum. No matter who it was, Hyukjae would be grateful. And, in the meantime, he could provide his own reminders to the people he loved.

사랑해, he wrote. 사랑해, he said, over and over again, because it would never lose its meaning when it was still true.



"I miss you, Hyukkie," Donghae said to him, a strain of tears in his voice. "I miss everyone."

Hyukjae cradled the phone and wished he could hold his best friend, return a favor as every best friend should. "We miss you, too," he said instead, because this is what he could do. "I miss you like crazy. But you being in China doesn't change that. C'mon, tell me about some of the stuff you've been doing lately. Any funny stories? Henry teach you guys any more pick-up lines in English?"

Donghae's voice hitched but he responded. "Yeah. I mean. Hankyung's trying to teach us Chinese pick-up lines now but Zhou Mi keeps calling him sleazy. And Siwon is appalled but Kyuhyun thinks it's hilarious..."

Hyukjae listened as Donghae spoke, voice losing its waver eventually, and hoped Donghae understood the I love you beneath every "uh-huh" and "no way" and chuckle.

This was what best friends did for each other, and Hyukjae was lucky enough to have a lot of best friends. He would do his best for all of them.




--

Started/Finished: 2009.11.19