[Super Junior] In the Grand Scheme of Things, PG, humor/crack, KiHyuk

[meiface.livejournal.com]

Has everyone seen Kibum's amazing new hair? Because that is what this entire fic is based around. Pairing prompt by mytigerhobbes, who is an enabler of the worst kind, encouraging crackfic during study breaks. ): What study breaks? I should be studying all the time. D:

In the Grand Scheme of Things
Super Junior (M), bandfic (some Kibum/Eunhyuk, some ninja), PG, 2150 words
Kibum grows out his hair and everyone wants to know why.


Heechul was the first to see the picture, because - like Eunhyuk often liked to say - Heechul made a career out of being a netizen, not an idol.

The first person he texted was Sungmin. Have you SEEN Kibum's hair?! he demanded.

Then he texted Hankyung. What the hell happened to Snow White?!

Then he finally texted Kibum. YOUR HAIR, was all he said.

He proceeded to spend the next fifteen minutes staring at the picture, trying to discern whether or not it was photoshop, and wondering what the hell Kibum had gotten up to. Sure, he hadn't seen Kibum in a few weeks, and the kid's hair had been sort of longish the last time he'd seen him, but surely - surely! - it couldn't have gotten this long.

In that time, Heechul received the following texts:

From Sungmin, WOW, kibum makes a gorgeous girl. do you feel threatened, hyung?

From Hankyung, Stop watching Disney movies Heechul.

And, finally, a few hours later, from Kibum: What about it?

"Bastards," Heechul griped, in the process of photoshopping a tiara onto Kibum's head. "All of you."

--

"Why'd you send me this pic of some chick with a guitar?" Kangin asked Heechul. "She's pretty hot, though. D'you know her? Can you introduce me to her?"

Heechul stopped replying to text messages for ten minutes while he laughed so hard he had to put his head down on the desk.

--

Because this was Super Junior, known to others in the industry as the network of gossip (and sometimes the origins of it), everyone knew by the end of the day. It was like a convoluted, fifteen-way game of Telephone.

Kangin told Siwon, who told Donghae, who told everyone in SJM.

Sungmin told Eunhyuk, who told Eeteuk, who told everyone in SME.

Somewhere in the mix, there were a lot of repeated calls, exclamations of "I know! I heard!", and Hankyung complaining, "Why am I always last to know? How come Heechul never tells me anything?"

A few of the text messages Kibum received that day included:

HEY NOW WE DON'T MATCH :( YOUR HAIR IS LONGER AGAIN. I WAS TRYING TO CATCH UP!!

Is this for the movie?

Omg your hair looks gorgeous, what kind of shampoo and conditioner are you using? :D

So this is why I've been beating you in Starcraft, hyung... Being beautiful takes up a lot of time, I know.

lol wtf

They were from, respectively, Donghae, Shindong, Zhou Mi, Kyuhyun, and Yesung.

Kibum read them and deleted them from his phone without replying. He then sighed, pushed his hair over his shoulder, again, and bent back over his script. Long hair was really more trouble than it was worth. And letting Eunbi take that picture of him was really a mistake, in hindsight.

--

"He looks weird," Heechul said, crossing his arms and sinking into the couch with a pout.

"Don't be jealous, Heechul," Eeteuk told him. "It's unbecoming."

"What are you, my mother?"

Eeteuk just gave him a look. "You've called me that often enough." Heechul only sighed and rolled his eyes, staying silent.

"I think he looks good," Sungmin put in earnestly. "I mean...a little different from how we normally see him, but not bad!" He turned to Eunhyuk for support. "Right, Hyukkie?"

Eunhyuk seemed to have a hard time dragging his eyes away from the laptop screen. "Um?" he ventured. His eyes drifted back towards the picture, a slight flush on his cheeks. "He looks...really nice," he agreed at last. "His hair looks really...soft..."

Shindong grinned suddenly.

"Didn't Eunhyuk have this thing for girls with long hair?" he asked.

Sungmin met his eyes mischievously. They tended to always be on the same wavelength. "And nice smiles?"

"And nice skin?"

"And money?"

Eunhyuk's face turned redder and redder as they continued.

"One problem," Eeteuk interjected with a wry smile, hoping to save Eunhyuk. "He also specified big boobs."

Or maybe not save Eunhyuk so much as humiliate him even further. Eunhyuk shot his leader a betrayed look. Eeteuk, being the cruel, cruel traitor that he was, only grinned back at him.

Heechul was laughing raucously. "I'll call up Kibum and have him fix that right up," he said with a leer. "What's a princess without some...endowment?"

Eunhyuk buried his face in his hands and silently cursed Kibum and his ridiculously gorgeous hair. And smile. And-- Fuck.

--

"So, really, what's up with the hair?" Yesung asked Kibum over the phone.

"Do you guys really have so little to do?" Kibum asked in return, sounding slightly irritable. "Seriously. Nothing better to do than to wonder about my hair?"

"Nope," Yesung replied cheerfully. "So what's up with the hair?"

"It's a secret."

"What? Why? Tell your favorite hyung, c'mon!"

Kibum rolled his eyes. "You're hardly my favorite hyung, Jongwoon-hyung."

"What? That hurts, Kibum. That hurts real deep." There was a pause. "I mean, your favorite hyung other than the ones you've made out with."

Kibum laughed, despite himself. "It's a secret," he repeated. "I like to be a man of mystery."

"More like a woman of mystery," Yesung muttered crankily as Kibum ended the call.

--

Donghae sent Kibum a very sad email about how he was going to let the stylist jiejies cut his hair now because obviously Kibum didn't care at all that Donghae was never going to catch up with him.

"You're a cruel man, Kim Kibum," he said. "T__T"

Kibum felt vaguely guilty even though he hadn't even known they had been, evidently, engaged in some sort of hair growing competition.

--

Three days after Heechul had discovered The Picture, Kibum dropped by the dorms for a visit, at Heechul's behest. More accurately, Heechul had pulled rank, and Kibum was still a good enough dongsaeng to feel obligated, particularly since he hadn't seen the other members in weeks. Guilt was as good a motivator as any, and Kibum knew that Heechul knew it.

"Damn," said Heechul when he opened the door and saw Kibum standing there. He pulled a face. "You look like shit, Kibum. What the hell? I thought you turned pretty!"

Kibum rolled his eyes and stepped inside. He'd tied his hair back and pulled a beanie over his head - it was winter, after all, and the weather was freezing.

"I guess I have nothing to worry about." Heechul elbowed him and grinned.

Kibum rolled his eyes again. "Trust me, I'm not after your position as the pretty pretty princess." He unwound his scarf and started stripping off his heavy coat.

"Good! Because you'd suck at it, Kibum. Hate to break it to you, but pretty pretty princesses don't have guns like yours." Heechul smirked and grabbed one of Kibum's biceps. He squeezed with a little waggle of his eyebrows.

Kibum laughed, and kept laughing once he was on the couch catching up with the other members. It was nice. He'd missed them.

Eunhyuk stumbled in half an hour after Kibum arrived and stopped short. "H-hi," he stammered. His eyes darted to Kibum's face and then to his tied-back hair questioningly. He slunk into the room as casually as he could, feigning nonchalance as Sungmin watched him with a knowing look.

"Hey Kibummie," Sungmin said sweetly, "can I see you with your hair down?"

Kibum reached up and pulled out the hair-tie, sliding his hair over his shoulder. He shook it out slightly.

Shindong wolf-whistled. Eunhyuk flushed bright red. Sungmin grinned victoriously.

Before Kibum could forestall any questions by saying he didn't really want to talk about the hair, Heechul broke in. "I didn't know you could do that," he gasped at Shindong. "Teach me how to do that!"

Heechul, Kibum reflected, sometimes could be a good hyung. Sungmin, on the other hand... Kibum eyed the way Eunhyuk slouched in his seat, arms crossed, desperately casual despite his red face. Sungmin, on the other hand, was clearly evil.

Kibum admired that in a hyung.

--

Eunhyuk locked his room that night.

He always closed his door at night, of course, but usually he kept it unlocked in case someone wanted to come in and hang out or whatever.

Tonight, though, he locked it. And he didn't touch the porn stashed in the false bottom of the box under his bed where he kept his cleaning supplies and rubber gloves and sponges.

Furtively, he opened up the picture of Kibum with long hair and a guitar and blew it up to 300%.

--

"You lost a bet, didn't you?"

"Seriously," Kibum said, "nothing better to do in China?"

"Nope," Kyuhyun replied cheerfully. "It's this or Starcraft, and I'm already kicking your ass so I figured you could use a break."

"No songs to practice singing? No Chinese to learn?"

"Nope and nope."

"No fans to bother? No complaining about how Beijing is too hot?"

"Nope, Henry's on his baidu. He's got it covered. And it's December."

Kibum held up his finger at his stylist, indicating that he'd be just another minute. She sighed dramatically at him and waved the hairspray threateningly. "No tall Chinese guy to make out with?"

There was suspicious silence on the other end of the line.

"What do you know," Kyuhyun growled finally.

Kibum didn't actually know anything except for Heechul's endless speculations on the matter, but he grinned. "I'll tell you about my hair the day you tell a certain tall Chinese guy how you feel about him."

Kyuhyun hung up on him and Kibum's stylist pounced, taking his phone away.

--

Ignore Heechul if he's obnoxious, Hankyung texted Kibum, as if he felt responsible for Heechul, and as if Kibum hadn't known Heechul for just as long. Kibum knew well enough how to ignore Heechul after all these years.

You look very handsome, Siwon texted him, and Kibum didn't doubt his sincerity.

Please eat well and take care of yourself! came from Ryeowook, who was the only one who hadn't mentioned his hair at all, even in passing. Kibum always did like Ryeowook best.

I am totally going to send this pic to all my guy friends back home and let, Henry texted him. A second text continued: them think you're a girl and then tell them you're not. HA HA HA.

--

As with Yesung and Kyuhyun, Heechul spent a lot of time speculating on Kibum's hair because he really didn't have anything better to do. Which was a lie - he was filming a drama, after all, but filming left him a surprising amount of time to sit around and do nothing. When he was getting his hair and make-up done, for example. When he was at home memorizing his script, as another example. And because he wasn't allowed to go out and get wasted every night because of early-morning filmings, that left him home at night, wondering about Kibum's hair in between playing with Heebum and checking his fan pages online.

Once in a while, the other members were around while he speculated. It was practically a nightly rotation.

"Maybe his movie role is a guy who crossdresses as a girl in an all girls' school," Eeteuk suggested, voice slightly dreamy.

Heechul gave him a disgusted look. "Please don't air your dirty fantasies where I can hear them."

"What?" Eeteuk gave him a defensive look. "There are so many dramas where the girl crossdresses as a guy! Why can't there be one where the guy crossdresses as the girl?"

"I wish it were Shindong's night," Heechul told him meanly.

The next night, Heechul sat upright from where he'd been sprawled lazily on the couch, not reading his script. "Damn! I should've made him do Gee with us! He wouldn't even have needed a wig!"

"Your priorities in life, hyung," Sungmin mumbled around the guitar pick between his teeth, "I envy them."

--

In the end, no one ever got out of Kibum why he grew his hair out. Eunhyuk, however, couldn't look him in the eye for weeks afterward, and Yesung propositioned him a few times ("Would you like me better after we made out?" he wanted to know). Donghae made sad faces at him via text and email for about a week and then forgot all about it, and Kyuhyun continued to be stupidly in love with Zhou Mi without saying anything (or something, Kibum surmised).

When Kibum finally got his hair cut, Eunhyuk was so relieved he threw himself at Kibum in a grateful hug, because he knew he hadn't been gay for Kibum! He'd known all along!

Then Kibum kissed him and Eunhyuk fainted. Kibum caught him, and caught Eeteuk gaping at him. He flashed him a smile and shrugged.

"Just practicing for the movie," he said blithely. It was almost true. He was just practicing being evil, because everyone needed evil hyungs.

The hair thing had all been part of the grand master plan.



--

Started/Finished: 2009.12.06