PROJECT: Raping Childhood Fandoms
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efio_47's fault. And we weren't even drinking, I swear! Alternatively, I could blame her seven-year-old sister, who happily listed off all the Magic School Bus and Berenstain Bears characters for me. Without her help, this would've never come to pass.
Anyhow, since this travesty now exists, what can I do but share? :D
PROJECT: Raping (i.e., Slashing) Childhood Fandoms
ONE: The Berenstain Bears
The Berenstain Bears and the Fight
Sister Bear was doing her homework after school one day when someone knocked on the door. Mama Bear was in the garden out back, planting daffodils, and Papa Bear was at work, so Sister got up to open the door. Queenie McBear stood there, crying.
“Queenie!” exclaimed Sister. “What’s wrong?”
“I hate that stupid bear and I hope he dies!” Queenie shouted angrily, rubbing at her eyes.
Sister looked sympathetic. “Oh, did you break up with Too-Tall again?” she asked as she let Queenie in. She closed the door and they both sat down at the kitchen table.
“No!’ said Queenie crossly. “He broke up with me!”
It was the fourth time that month Queenie had broken up with her on-again, off-again boyfriend, Too-Tall Grizzly. Sister wasn’t quite sure what to say. She got up and got Queenie some tissues.
Just then, the door burst open and Sister’s friend Lizzie Bruin rushed in, shouting. “Sister! Brother Bear’s fighting with Too-Tall again down by the river!”
“I hope Brother pummels him,” Queenie said fiercely.
Lizzie blinked. ‘Oh. Hi Queenie.” Then she turned to Sister again. “We have to stop them!”
Sister sighed. They were already teenagers and Brother still got in stupid fights with Too-Tall. Most of the time the two of them got along okay, with Too-Tall being his usual bossy self but not really bullying. But sometimes Brother would lose his temper and get carried away. Mama and Papa Bear weren’t going to be happy with him. Sister was going to have to haul him back before dinner and try to stop most of the bleeding before Mama saw it.
“Let’s go,” she sighed, tugging on Queenie to come with her. Lizzie led the way.
--
They found Brother Bear sitting on the bank of the river. His shirt was ripped and dirty and he had a black eye and blood and dirt on his face. He was a mess. Too-Tall was nowhere to be seen.
“Brother!” Sister cried, running over to him. Lizzie and Queenie hung back. Queenie kicked a rock with a scowl.
Brother looked at her through his one good eye and said nothing.
“What happened? Why were you and Too-Tall fighting? You know what Mama and Papa said last time… Don’t you remember? Brother!” Sister looked angry, her hands on her hips. “You better tell me what’s going on!”
Brother got to his feet. “Too-Tall was being a jerk, so I punched him. And then we were fighting and he was a jerk again.” He was going to say something else, but stopped. He looked away. “Then he ran off.”
Queenie heard this and kicked another rock.
Sister frowned. “That’s a terrible reason! Too-Tall is always a jerk. You know that, Brother—you spend all your time with him.”
“I’m going home,” he announced, ignoring her. He walked away, not waiting for them, and Sister was left sting at his back in confusion.
Lizzie, on the other hand, was watching him walk away with a suspicious look.
--
Brother couldn’t believe what TooTall had done. They had been having a perfectly normal afternoon, just like any other day, and then out of nowhere, just as Brother was reaching across the other bear to get another drink, Too-Tall had kissed him.
Brother hadn’t even kissed a girl yet! (But that was mostly because they all reminded him of Sister—giggly and interested in bows and flowers—ick.) What was Too-Tall doing? And wasn’t he going out with Queenie anyway?
He’d been frozen for a moment, Too-Tall’s mouth against his, their noses bumping, before he’d jerked back and stared. Too-Tall had opened his mouth to say something. Then Brother had punched him.
The fight had moved out of the clubhouse when Brother shoved Too-Tall, and then they’d been rolling around on the grass by the river. At some point, he’d heard someone shouting and he supposed that must have been Lizzie, but at the time he hadn’t cared. After she’d run off and Brother had given Too-Tall a black eye in return for his own, Too-Tall had leaned down and kissed Brother again. This time, they’d both froze, and then Too-Tall had launched himself off Brother and was running away.
Jerk, Brother thought angrily, wiping a smear of blood off his cheek. He sneaked into the house through the cellar door and tiptoed into the bathroom. As he was cleaning up, he heard Sister come back. Hopefully she wouldn’t tell Mama what had happened.
Brother stared at his reflection in the mirror. Tomorrow, he and Too-Tall were going to have a nice long chat, until he explained just what was going on. Or Brother would happily blacken Too-Tall’s other eye.
TWO: The Magic School Bus
The Magic School Bus Has a Reunion
Wanda was the first to arrive, bearing a small bouquet of flowers. The room looked a lot smaller, now that she was twenty-eight and not eight, and the sight of the desks and the aquarium by the window brought back memories. Her husband stood beside her, silent and supportive, and she squeezed his hand. There was no one else in the room.
Rustling sounds and footsteps came from behind her and Wanda turned to see Dorothy Ann and Ralph enter the room. Dorothy Ann’s blonde hair was slicked back in a professional chignon, which was appropriate now that she was such a successful lawyer. Wanda smiled at her but as her eyes flicked over Ralph, the corners of her mouth turned down. He was suffering what could be termed as nothing else but a “beer belly,” and he looked hot and uncomfortable in his once-neatly pressed shirt, now amass with wrinkles. Dorothy Ann followed her gaze and winced.
“Wanda,” she said instead, her voice pleasant. “It’s so good to see you again. I mean, it’s a terrible way to finally meet after all these years but—“
“I know what you mean,” Wanda cut in. She shook Dorothy Ann’s hand warmly. “I hear you’ve been very successful.”
“I do my best. And you’re quite the figure yourself. Made a name for yourself on the nightly news.”
Wanda smiled, proud of her job as a news anchor. She had always thought science was her forte, and third grade had been the peak of her interest, but as she’d grown older, she’d realized what the world of journalism could offer. “It’s a good job,” she said agreeably. “And…Ralph. How are you doing?”
Ralph’s face was red, possibly from the necktie he was wearing. “Alright,” he grunted.
“How is your knee? It’s terrible, that accident that took you out of the NFL.”
Dorothy Ann’s smile was strained. “He doesn’t like to talk about it.” Her gaze flicked to the man standing beside Wanda, looking for a change in subject. It was clear she wasn’t particularly happy in her marriage and Wanda had heard from Keesha that divorce seemed imminent.
She followed her cue. “Oh, this is my husband, Chang Wufei,” Wanda introduced.
Wufei smiled and made a short bow. “It’s nice to meet you,” he said with a charm that made Dorothy Ann sigh wistfully.
“Hey, D.A.!” The familiar voice cut into their conversation and they all swiveled to look at the door. Carlos stood there with his arm slung around Arnold, who was flushed and looked as uncomfortable as always. Carlos, on the other hand, looked only too at ease with himself and the world, casual in his every movement, as the fluorescent lighting of the classroom caught on his silk shirt. He grinned at the room’s occupants. “Hey, everyone. Carlos Ramone, here.”
“Carlos!” Wanda exclaimed, happy to see him.
Dorothy Ann, however, only tensed further. Wanda sneaked a glance. Of course, they had gone out in the past, hadn’t they? Before Carlos had discovered he was gay. But Wanda certainly hadn’t expected him to end up with—Arnold? She blinked. Of all people?
“Hey, Arnold, introduce yourself, man.” Carlos elbowed Arnold in the ribs.
Arnold glared at him from beneath his glasses and fumbled as he shook hands with Wufei. “Hi. Arnold Perlstein,” he mumbled.
As eloquent as he ever was, Wanda mused, except for the times when he waxed dread about their infamous field trips. As they chatted, she discovered that he was now an IT geek at Carlos’ company; she thought the job suited him wonderfully. His job afforded him very little interaction with people or sudden change, secure and stable and safe the way Arnold liked things. Given that, Wanda had to admit she was surprised that he would take on a relationship with Carlos, who was as gregarious as Arnold was avoidant. Not to mention how touch-and-go the entire subject of homosexuality was at the moment.
Carlos had never really given a damn, she knew and was unsurprised. He had, apparently, given up his lowly position at local pharmacy and was pursuing patents for his inventions. He worked at an escort agency on the side, he added with a bold smile, the glint in his eyes challenging them for a reaction.
Wanda noticed Ralph flinching but he said nothing. Wufei remained silent as well but Wanda figured her husband was not entirely uncomfortable with the idea, since they still remained good friends with Tim.
“Good morning, everyone.” Phoebe’s soft voice broke into their conversation and six pairs of eyes turned to watch her enter the room with her husband at her side and Tim trailing behind them, a deliberately blank expression on his face.
“Phoebe!” Dorothy Ann exclaimed with genuine welcome, going over to hug her longtime friend. “And Duo,” she added with a smile. “Come introduce yourself to the others. How have you been doing? How are the Peace Corps?”
“Strenuous at times,” Phoebe admitted, “but satisfying.” She shared a bright smile with her husband, whom she introduced as Duo Maxwell. They’d met four years ago in Kuwait, she explained later, and the rest had been history.
Wufei’s brows drew. “Maxwell?” he said sharply.
“Hey, Wufei!” Duo exclaimed, clapping Wanda’s husband on the back with a grin. “Long time no see!”
“You know each other?” Wanda blurted out, eyes wide, her gaze darting from her husband to the man with the long braid falling down his back. Phoebe sure knew how to pick them…
“We went to college together,” answered her husband.
“Heh,” said Carlos, putting his hands on his hips. “What a funny coincidence. Hey there, Tim.”
The quiet artist nodded at him and greeted the rest of the group with one noticeable exception. Wanda bit her lip as Tim avoided Ralph’s gaze and the ex-football player took on an even redder hue, shifting until his wife was between him and the others. She knew the history there and it was something Tim was still getting over; he had expressed interest in Ralph in high school—the worst possible time, if there was one—and had not only been rejected but had also suffered something best termed homophobia-induced ridicule. He’d lost a friend, too, and his paintings had turned darker after that. Wanda had hoped he would have moved past it in the last ten years but apparently artists were very good at holding on to bitter emotions.
They chatted for a bit more, some spots of conversation more awkward than others, but careful arrangement throughout the classroom took care of that for the most part. Duo and Carlos rested atop desks with wide grins and easy banter. Phoebe leaned over her husband’s shoulder to talk to Tim. Dorothy Ann was catching up with Arnold and Wanda, and Wufei hung back politely as he listened. Ralph continued to stand behind Dorothy Ann, mostly silent, avoiding looking at Carlos or Arnold or Tim.
A muffled oof drew looks to the door and Keesha stumbled in under the weight of a huge vase of flowers. Wufei went over and lent her a hand, greeting her with a calm smile. “Nice to see you again, Keesha,” he said as he set the large vase on a nearby desktop. “I assume Quatre couldn’t make it?”
“He had a business trip in Germany,” Keesha said with a laugh. “He sends his apologies and condolences.” She gestured at the flowers and then looked around the room, greeting everyone. Wanda was surprised to find that Keesha recognized even Duo, but apparently Wufei’s college friend Quatre, Keesha’s multimillionaire husband, had been Duo’s college friend as well.
“Small world,” Wanda said, shaking her head. “I’m surprised you had time to make it, Keesha.” Their friend was a neurosurgeon, making millions of her own, and ran on a very tight, hectic schedule.
“I’m flying out at two this afternoon,” Keesha said, sighing. “But I had to come.” She smiled at the room, sadly. “I can’t believe she’s actually gone.”
Everyone quieted, nodding in silent agreement. Twenty years, thought Wanda. That’s a long time. She never thought she’d see the day.
The room door banged open one last time and Valerie Frizzle stepped inside, wearing a loud, purple dress decorated with salamanders and lizards and iguanas. Her frizzy hair was piled on top of her head as usual, but her eyes were sad today, unlike the memories from two decades ago.
She was bearing a small, wooden box in her arms. It was a dark brown and polished to gleam against the fluorescent lights. On the top was carved the words: R.I.P. Liz.
Wanda sighed and laced her fingers with Wufei’s and then squeezed Phoebe’s hand with her left.
THREE: Encyclopedia Brown
The Case of the Kidnapped Detective
Idaville was like any other small seaside town. It had two car washes, four banks, and three movie theaters. It had churches and a synagogue, two delicatessens, a bowling alley, and lovely beaches.
But Idaville was special. For more than five years, every crook, big or small, child or grown-up, had been caught. No one got away with breaking the law. How did Idaville do it? The chief of police must be brilliant, they said.
Chief Brown was a very smart man, indeed. He knew that if he ever ran across a case giving him problems, the best thing to do was go home for dinner. And in that red little brick house on Rover Avenue, his son Encyclopedia Brown would solve the case before dessert.
Leroy Brown was fifteen years old and he had been helping his father on cases since he was in fifth grade. In all of those five years, he had never let a word drop about the help he gave the police. He didn’t want to seem different from the other kids.
What he had come to realize as he grew older, however, was that he would never be quite like the other teenagers in Idaville. His nickname, Encyclopedia, had been given to him at a young age and had stuck. He read more books than anyone and remembered every fact. His friends joked that he was better than a library because they didn’t have to whisper around him.
Every summer for five years, Encyclopedia had opened a detective business in his garage. He set up a table and hung a sign outside that read:
He used to charge only 25¢ but, well, a good entrepreneur had to adjust for inflation.
One morning, he was sitting at the table when his junior partner, Sally Kimball, walked in. Sally had been the prettiest girl in fifth grade and was now the prettiest girl in tenth grade. Along the way, she’d lost only eighth grade to Mary Belle Hawkins who had suffered an unfortunate case of chicken pox before the school year was over. Encyclopedia never asked Sally why she wanted to know if Mary Belle had been exposed as a child and she didn’t explain, but she had smiled widely when she had been declared the prettiest girl in ninth grade.
This morning she was dressed in head-to-toe white. “I can’t help you out today,” she announced to Encyclopedia. “I have a tennis date with Pedro.” Pedro Gonzales was the star of their high school tennis team. He had been chasing Sally since seventh grade.
“All right,” said Encyclopedia. “Tell Pedro ‘hi’ for me.”
“Sure thing. If Bugs tries anything, tell him I have a vicious serve,” Sally said, swinging her racket in demonstration. She grinned fiercely. “And I will use his balls for practice.”
Encyclopedia cringed at the mental image. “I’ll be sure to pass that along. Have fun.” He waved her off.
Bugs Meany was the leader of a gang of tough, older boys who called themselves the Tigers. They should’ve called themselves the In-Laws. They were always prodding their noses where they weren’t welcome. Bugs had been trying to get even with Encyclopedia for years now but he had always shied away from giving the boy detective a good, hard punch to the nose because of Sally. She had been the only person to ever give Bugs two black eyes and that was in fifth grade. She had heels now. Bugs knew better than to make physical threats. He had never stopped trying to get revenge, however.
That was why when he strolled casually into the Brown’s garage, hands in his pockets, Encyclopedia was instantly alert and suspicious. He carefully bookmarked his page in Britannica, vol 10, and watched the older boy walk up to the table.
“What do you want?” he asked warily.
“I have a case,” Bugs drawled. “Only the brilliant Detective Brown can help me with this!” He placed a one-dollar bill on the table.
Encyclopedia frowned. “Is this another attempt to frame me? I thought you ran out of ideas last May.”
Bugs scowled. “Hey, it’s not as easy as you think, you know, coming up with all those schemes. Give a guy a little credit. I kept it up for four and a half years.” He rested a hip against the table and crossed his arms, glaring down at the other boy. “Now, are you going to help? Or are you going to leave this upstanding citizen of Idaville stranded in his dire straits?”
Encyclopedia blinked and carefully leaned in his seat, peering around Bugs. “Where is he?”
“What? Who?”
“This ‘upstanding citizen of Idaville.’ I don’t see him.”
Bugs growled low in his throat. “Cut the jokes, boy detective. You’re not as funny as you think.”
“I think I’m quite funny,” Encyclopedia told him calmly. He raised an eyebrow. “But maybe you don’t think so.” He didn’t blink when Bugs clenched his fists. Five years had built up a sort of immunity, he supposed. It was like being exposed to small doses of arsenic daily. “I’ll help,” he said. “What do you need me to do?”
“Come to the clubhouse.” Bugs moved away from the table and glanced over his shoulder. Encyclopedia got up from the table, tucking the bill away in his pocket and putting up a “Temporarily Closed” sign. He followed Bugs down the street.
The Tigers’ clubhouse was the unused shed behind Mr. Sweeny’s Auto Body Shop. It was empty when Bugs led Encyclopedia inside. He shut the door behind them and locked it.
Encyclopedia started. “What are you doing?” he asked suspiciously.
Bugs bared a feral grin at him. “Holding you for ransom.”
--
Sally nearly beheaded the Tiger who had come bearing bad news. Her knuckles were white around the handle of the racket and she looked infuriated. “What did you say?” she shouted at Duke Kelly, bearing down on him like an angel of doom.
“Hey, hey! Don’t kill the messenger!” Duke had his hands up in a placating manner. “Bugs just wanted me to tell you that if you ever wanted to see the boy detective again, you had to fork over fifty bucks.”
“Wow,” said Pedro, safe on the other side of the court. “That’s cheap.”
“Shut up!” Sally said, whirling to point a finger at him. He cowered at her glare. She turned back to Duke, still incensed. “How dare he? I am going to castrate him and feed him his own balls! And then give him a black eye or two. Fucker.” She stormed off to the bench where her tennis bag was, ignoring Pedro and Duke’s pained, wide-eyed looks.
“He should just be glad I’m not going directly to the police for this stupid, stupid scheme,” Sally muttered as she threw her racket into the bag. She wiped off her face with the towel and dumped that into the bag too. She zipped up and marched off without so much as a goodbye to Pedro.
Duke watched her leave the courts, his hands cupped protectively over his crotch. “Damn,” he said. “How can you like a girl like that?”
Pedro was sweating on the other side of the net. “I’m masochistic?” he said weakly.
--
Encyclopedia slapped a hand over his mouth, trying to stifle his cries. His other hand was fisted in Bugs’ hair. He vainly tried to keep his hips from jerking, and Bugs’ fingers were digging painfully into his thighs to hold him still.
The hot, wet mouth disappeared for a moment as Bugs lifted his head to glare at him. “Stop moving, idiot.” He ducked his head again and Encyclopedia swallowed a loud gasp, his shoulders jerking as his hips rolled up involuntarily, thrusting himself up into Bugs’ mouth. His head lolled back and hit the wall of the clubhouse with a muffled thump.
His vision was blurry and he couldn’t quite think straight. Bugs’ hair was thick and surprisingly soft under his fingers and his jeans were tangled low around his knees. His body was throbbing all over.
D-Damn, he thought, as Bugs stroked languorously with his tongue. Heat flashed through him.
Fingers prodded gently at his balls and Encyclopedia froze, breath hitching, and then with a muffled cry, came.
Bugs sat up, wiping at his mouth. He was grinning.
Encyclopedia shuddered, feeling fluid drip down his thighs, and decided he would do this bit of laundry himself. He lifted his gaze to Bugs’ and narrowed his gaze at the older boy’s smug look. “I should start charging you more than a dollar for this,” he muttered.
“Damn,” Bugs said cheerfully, leaning in again. “You’re a cheap whore.”
Encyclopedia rolled his eyes and tugged Bugs in for a sloppy kiss. He broke off after a long moment. “What was that?” he asked, eyes darting to the door. He had heard a crash outside, as if a bike had fallen down, and a muffled yelp, as if the person had fallen along with the bike.
“That’d be Sally,” Bugs said with a smirk. He shrugged at Encyclopedia’s wide-eyed, accusing stare. “Told her you were kidnapped. Had to get it through her thick skull that you were taken. Prettiest girl in tenth grade, what.” He snorted and pulled Encyclopedia closer with a blissful look. “Ah, revenge is so sweet.”
--
Started: 06.18.2006
Finished: 06.24.2006
--
Notes: I personally think The Berenstain Bears was the most brainbreaking fandom chosen, if not the most brainbreaking fic. Bears! Childhood! OMG. I was also a bit traumatized when I found out that MSB apparently has fanfiction written about it. Gah. Encyclopedia Brown, however, only makes me ridiculously happy. I love him so much. What, I totally still read those books, on pretense of getting them for my brother. :D
Also, I am a dork and a loser and I love GW. Hence, the MSB/GW crossover of sorts. ::gigglesnort:: I was actually going to throw in Janet as a tabloid reporter with Trowa as her tagalong "yes, dear" husband, but I decided I liked Trowa too much to do that to him.
And then I was going to write Sweet Valley Twins Steven/Todd but I decided it wasn't as brainbreaking and not nearly as fun. Perhaps another time!
P.S. I am not going to write this, but I would just like to point out if Howie and Eddie of Bailey School Kids were slashed, their pairing name would be: Howdie. :D
So, I hope that was sufficiently fun and painful! ♥
efio_47's fault. And we weren't even drinking, I swear! Alternatively, I could blame her seven-year-old sister, who happily listed off all the Magic School Bus and Berenstain Bears characters for me. Without her help, this would've never come to pass.Anyhow, since this travesty now exists, what can I do but share? :D
PROJECT: Raping (i.e., Slashing) Childhood Fandoms
ONE: The Berenstain Bears
The Berenstain Bears and the Fight
Sister Bear was doing her homework after school one day when someone knocked on the door. Mama Bear was in the garden out back, planting daffodils, and Papa Bear was at work, so Sister got up to open the door. Queenie McBear stood there, crying.
“Queenie!” exclaimed Sister. “What’s wrong?”
“I hate that stupid bear and I hope he dies!” Queenie shouted angrily, rubbing at her eyes.
Sister looked sympathetic. “Oh, did you break up with Too-Tall again?” she asked as she let Queenie in. She closed the door and they both sat down at the kitchen table.
“No!’ said Queenie crossly. “He broke up with me!”
It was the fourth time that month Queenie had broken up with her on-again, off-again boyfriend, Too-Tall Grizzly. Sister wasn’t quite sure what to say. She got up and got Queenie some tissues.
Just then, the door burst open and Sister’s friend Lizzie Bruin rushed in, shouting. “Sister! Brother Bear’s fighting with Too-Tall again down by the river!”
“I hope Brother pummels him,” Queenie said fiercely.
Lizzie blinked. ‘Oh. Hi Queenie.” Then she turned to Sister again. “We have to stop them!”
Sister sighed. They were already teenagers and Brother still got in stupid fights with Too-Tall. Most of the time the two of them got along okay, with Too-Tall being his usual bossy self but not really bullying. But sometimes Brother would lose his temper and get carried away. Mama and Papa Bear weren’t going to be happy with him. Sister was going to have to haul him back before dinner and try to stop most of the bleeding before Mama saw it.
“Let’s go,” she sighed, tugging on Queenie to come with her. Lizzie led the way.
--
They found Brother Bear sitting on the bank of the river. His shirt was ripped and dirty and he had a black eye and blood and dirt on his face. He was a mess. Too-Tall was nowhere to be seen.
“Brother!” Sister cried, running over to him. Lizzie and Queenie hung back. Queenie kicked a rock with a scowl.
Brother looked at her through his one good eye and said nothing.
“What happened? Why were you and Too-Tall fighting? You know what Mama and Papa said last time… Don’t you remember? Brother!” Sister looked angry, her hands on her hips. “You better tell me what’s going on!”
Brother got to his feet. “Too-Tall was being a jerk, so I punched him. And then we were fighting and he was a jerk again.” He was going to say something else, but stopped. He looked away. “Then he ran off.”
Queenie heard this and kicked another rock.
Sister frowned. “That’s a terrible reason! Too-Tall is always a jerk. You know that, Brother—you spend all your time with him.”
“I’m going home,” he announced, ignoring her. He walked away, not waiting for them, and Sister was left sting at his back in confusion.
Lizzie, on the other hand, was watching him walk away with a suspicious look.
--
Brother couldn’t believe what TooTall had done. They had been having a perfectly normal afternoon, just like any other day, and then out of nowhere, just as Brother was reaching across the other bear to get another drink, Too-Tall had kissed him.
Brother hadn’t even kissed a girl yet! (But that was mostly because they all reminded him of Sister—giggly and interested in bows and flowers—ick.) What was Too-Tall doing? And wasn’t he going out with Queenie anyway?
He’d been frozen for a moment, Too-Tall’s mouth against his, their noses bumping, before he’d jerked back and stared. Too-Tall had opened his mouth to say something. Then Brother had punched him.
The fight had moved out of the clubhouse when Brother shoved Too-Tall, and then they’d been rolling around on the grass by the river. At some point, he’d heard someone shouting and he supposed that must have been Lizzie, but at the time he hadn’t cared. After she’d run off and Brother had given Too-Tall a black eye in return for his own, Too-Tall had leaned down and kissed Brother again. This time, they’d both froze, and then Too-Tall had launched himself off Brother and was running away.
Jerk, Brother thought angrily, wiping a smear of blood off his cheek. He sneaked into the house through the cellar door and tiptoed into the bathroom. As he was cleaning up, he heard Sister come back. Hopefully she wouldn’t tell Mama what had happened.
Brother stared at his reflection in the mirror. Tomorrow, he and Too-Tall were going to have a nice long chat, until he explained just what was going on. Or Brother would happily blacken Too-Tall’s other eye.
TWO: The Magic School Bus
The Magic School Bus Has a Reunion
Wanda was the first to arrive, bearing a small bouquet of flowers. The room looked a lot smaller, now that she was twenty-eight and not eight, and the sight of the desks and the aquarium by the window brought back memories. Her husband stood beside her, silent and supportive, and she squeezed his hand. There was no one else in the room.
Rustling sounds and footsteps came from behind her and Wanda turned to see Dorothy Ann and Ralph enter the room. Dorothy Ann’s blonde hair was slicked back in a professional chignon, which was appropriate now that she was such a successful lawyer. Wanda smiled at her but as her eyes flicked over Ralph, the corners of her mouth turned down. He was suffering what could be termed as nothing else but a “beer belly,” and he looked hot and uncomfortable in his once-neatly pressed shirt, now amass with wrinkles. Dorothy Ann followed her gaze and winced.
“Wanda,” she said instead, her voice pleasant. “It’s so good to see you again. I mean, it’s a terrible way to finally meet after all these years but—“
“I know what you mean,” Wanda cut in. She shook Dorothy Ann’s hand warmly. “I hear you’ve been very successful.”
“I do my best. And you’re quite the figure yourself. Made a name for yourself on the nightly news.”
Wanda smiled, proud of her job as a news anchor. She had always thought science was her forte, and third grade had been the peak of her interest, but as she’d grown older, she’d realized what the world of journalism could offer. “It’s a good job,” she said agreeably. “And…Ralph. How are you doing?”
Ralph’s face was red, possibly from the necktie he was wearing. “Alright,” he grunted.
“How is your knee? It’s terrible, that accident that took you out of the NFL.”
Dorothy Ann’s smile was strained. “He doesn’t like to talk about it.” Her gaze flicked to the man standing beside Wanda, looking for a change in subject. It was clear she wasn’t particularly happy in her marriage and Wanda had heard from Keesha that divorce seemed imminent.
She followed her cue. “Oh, this is my husband, Chang Wufei,” Wanda introduced.
Wufei smiled and made a short bow. “It’s nice to meet you,” he said with a charm that made Dorothy Ann sigh wistfully.
“Hey, D.A.!” The familiar voice cut into their conversation and they all swiveled to look at the door. Carlos stood there with his arm slung around Arnold, who was flushed and looked as uncomfortable as always. Carlos, on the other hand, looked only too at ease with himself and the world, casual in his every movement, as the fluorescent lighting of the classroom caught on his silk shirt. He grinned at the room’s occupants. “Hey, everyone. Carlos Ramone, here.”
“Carlos!” Wanda exclaimed, happy to see him.
Dorothy Ann, however, only tensed further. Wanda sneaked a glance. Of course, they had gone out in the past, hadn’t they? Before Carlos had discovered he was gay. But Wanda certainly hadn’t expected him to end up with—Arnold? She blinked. Of all people?
“Hey, Arnold, introduce yourself, man.” Carlos elbowed Arnold in the ribs.
Arnold glared at him from beneath his glasses and fumbled as he shook hands with Wufei. “Hi. Arnold Perlstein,” he mumbled.
As eloquent as he ever was, Wanda mused, except for the times when he waxed dread about their infamous field trips. As they chatted, she discovered that he was now an IT geek at Carlos’ company; she thought the job suited him wonderfully. His job afforded him very little interaction with people or sudden change, secure and stable and safe the way Arnold liked things. Given that, Wanda had to admit she was surprised that he would take on a relationship with Carlos, who was as gregarious as Arnold was avoidant. Not to mention how touch-and-go the entire subject of homosexuality was at the moment.
Carlos had never really given a damn, she knew and was unsurprised. He had, apparently, given up his lowly position at local pharmacy and was pursuing patents for his inventions. He worked at an escort agency on the side, he added with a bold smile, the glint in his eyes challenging them for a reaction.
Wanda noticed Ralph flinching but he said nothing. Wufei remained silent as well but Wanda figured her husband was not entirely uncomfortable with the idea, since they still remained good friends with Tim.
“Good morning, everyone.” Phoebe’s soft voice broke into their conversation and six pairs of eyes turned to watch her enter the room with her husband at her side and Tim trailing behind them, a deliberately blank expression on his face.
“Phoebe!” Dorothy Ann exclaimed with genuine welcome, going over to hug her longtime friend. “And Duo,” she added with a smile. “Come introduce yourself to the others. How have you been doing? How are the Peace Corps?”
“Strenuous at times,” Phoebe admitted, “but satisfying.” She shared a bright smile with her husband, whom she introduced as Duo Maxwell. They’d met four years ago in Kuwait, she explained later, and the rest had been history.
Wufei’s brows drew. “Maxwell?” he said sharply.
“Hey, Wufei!” Duo exclaimed, clapping Wanda’s husband on the back with a grin. “Long time no see!”
“You know each other?” Wanda blurted out, eyes wide, her gaze darting from her husband to the man with the long braid falling down his back. Phoebe sure knew how to pick them…
“We went to college together,” answered her husband.
“Heh,” said Carlos, putting his hands on his hips. “What a funny coincidence. Hey there, Tim.”
The quiet artist nodded at him and greeted the rest of the group with one noticeable exception. Wanda bit her lip as Tim avoided Ralph’s gaze and the ex-football player took on an even redder hue, shifting until his wife was between him and the others. She knew the history there and it was something Tim was still getting over; he had expressed interest in Ralph in high school—the worst possible time, if there was one—and had not only been rejected but had also suffered something best termed homophobia-induced ridicule. He’d lost a friend, too, and his paintings had turned darker after that. Wanda had hoped he would have moved past it in the last ten years but apparently artists were very good at holding on to bitter emotions.
They chatted for a bit more, some spots of conversation more awkward than others, but careful arrangement throughout the classroom took care of that for the most part. Duo and Carlos rested atop desks with wide grins and easy banter. Phoebe leaned over her husband’s shoulder to talk to Tim. Dorothy Ann was catching up with Arnold and Wanda, and Wufei hung back politely as he listened. Ralph continued to stand behind Dorothy Ann, mostly silent, avoiding looking at Carlos or Arnold or Tim.
A muffled oof drew looks to the door and Keesha stumbled in under the weight of a huge vase of flowers. Wufei went over and lent her a hand, greeting her with a calm smile. “Nice to see you again, Keesha,” he said as he set the large vase on a nearby desktop. “I assume Quatre couldn’t make it?”
“He had a business trip in Germany,” Keesha said with a laugh. “He sends his apologies and condolences.” She gestured at the flowers and then looked around the room, greeting everyone. Wanda was surprised to find that Keesha recognized even Duo, but apparently Wufei’s college friend Quatre, Keesha’s multimillionaire husband, had been Duo’s college friend as well.
“Small world,” Wanda said, shaking her head. “I’m surprised you had time to make it, Keesha.” Their friend was a neurosurgeon, making millions of her own, and ran on a very tight, hectic schedule.
“I’m flying out at two this afternoon,” Keesha said, sighing. “But I had to come.” She smiled at the room, sadly. “I can’t believe she’s actually gone.”
Everyone quieted, nodding in silent agreement. Twenty years, thought Wanda. That’s a long time. She never thought she’d see the day.
The room door banged open one last time and Valerie Frizzle stepped inside, wearing a loud, purple dress decorated with salamanders and lizards and iguanas. Her frizzy hair was piled on top of her head as usual, but her eyes were sad today, unlike the memories from two decades ago.
She was bearing a small, wooden box in her arms. It was a dark brown and polished to gleam against the fluorescent lights. On the top was carved the words: R.I.P. Liz.
Wanda sighed and laced her fingers with Wufei’s and then squeezed Phoebe’s hand with her left.
THREE: Encyclopedia Brown
The Case of the Kidnapped Detective
Idaville was like any other small seaside town. It had two car washes, four banks, and three movie theaters. It had churches and a synagogue, two delicatessens, a bowling alley, and lovely beaches.
But Idaville was special. For more than five years, every crook, big or small, child or grown-up, had been caught. No one got away with breaking the law. How did Idaville do it? The chief of police must be brilliant, they said.
Chief Brown was a very smart man, indeed. He knew that if he ever ran across a case giving him problems, the best thing to do was go home for dinner. And in that red little brick house on Rover Avenue, his son Encyclopedia Brown would solve the case before dessert.
Leroy Brown was fifteen years old and he had been helping his father on cases since he was in fifth grade. In all of those five years, he had never let a word drop about the help he gave the police. He didn’t want to seem different from the other kids.
What he had come to realize as he grew older, however, was that he would never be quite like the other teenagers in Idaville. His nickname, Encyclopedia, had been given to him at a young age and had stuck. He read more books than anyone and remembered every fact. His friends joked that he was better than a library because they didn’t have to whisper around him.
Every summer for five years, Encyclopedia had opened a detective business in his garage. He set up a table and hung a sign outside that read:
| Brown Detective Agency 13 Rover Avenue Leroy Brown, President No case too small $1 per day plus expenses |
He used to charge only 25¢ but, well, a good entrepreneur had to adjust for inflation.
One morning, he was sitting at the table when his junior partner, Sally Kimball, walked in. Sally had been the prettiest girl in fifth grade and was now the prettiest girl in tenth grade. Along the way, she’d lost only eighth grade to Mary Belle Hawkins who had suffered an unfortunate case of chicken pox before the school year was over. Encyclopedia never asked Sally why she wanted to know if Mary Belle had been exposed as a child and she didn’t explain, but she had smiled widely when she had been declared the prettiest girl in ninth grade.
This morning she was dressed in head-to-toe white. “I can’t help you out today,” she announced to Encyclopedia. “I have a tennis date with Pedro.” Pedro Gonzales was the star of their high school tennis team. He had been chasing Sally since seventh grade.
“All right,” said Encyclopedia. “Tell Pedro ‘hi’ for me.”
“Sure thing. If Bugs tries anything, tell him I have a vicious serve,” Sally said, swinging her racket in demonstration. She grinned fiercely. “And I will use his balls for practice.”
Encyclopedia cringed at the mental image. “I’ll be sure to pass that along. Have fun.” He waved her off.
Bugs Meany was the leader of a gang of tough, older boys who called themselves the Tigers. They should’ve called themselves the In-Laws. They were always prodding their noses where they weren’t welcome. Bugs had been trying to get even with Encyclopedia for years now but he had always shied away from giving the boy detective a good, hard punch to the nose because of Sally. She had been the only person to ever give Bugs two black eyes and that was in fifth grade. She had heels now. Bugs knew better than to make physical threats. He had never stopped trying to get revenge, however.
That was why when he strolled casually into the Brown’s garage, hands in his pockets, Encyclopedia was instantly alert and suspicious. He carefully bookmarked his page in Britannica, vol 10, and watched the older boy walk up to the table.
“What do you want?” he asked warily.
“I have a case,” Bugs drawled. “Only the brilliant Detective Brown can help me with this!” He placed a one-dollar bill on the table.
Encyclopedia frowned. “Is this another attempt to frame me? I thought you ran out of ideas last May.”
Bugs scowled. “Hey, it’s not as easy as you think, you know, coming up with all those schemes. Give a guy a little credit. I kept it up for four and a half years.” He rested a hip against the table and crossed his arms, glaring down at the other boy. “Now, are you going to help? Or are you going to leave this upstanding citizen of Idaville stranded in his dire straits?”
Encyclopedia blinked and carefully leaned in his seat, peering around Bugs. “Where is he?”
“What? Who?”
“This ‘upstanding citizen of Idaville.’ I don’t see him.”
Bugs growled low in his throat. “Cut the jokes, boy detective. You’re not as funny as you think.”
“I think I’m quite funny,” Encyclopedia told him calmly. He raised an eyebrow. “But maybe you don’t think so.” He didn’t blink when Bugs clenched his fists. Five years had built up a sort of immunity, he supposed. It was like being exposed to small doses of arsenic daily. “I’ll help,” he said. “What do you need me to do?”
“Come to the clubhouse.” Bugs moved away from the table and glanced over his shoulder. Encyclopedia got up from the table, tucking the bill away in his pocket and putting up a “Temporarily Closed” sign. He followed Bugs down the street.
The Tigers’ clubhouse was the unused shed behind Mr. Sweeny’s Auto Body Shop. It was empty when Bugs led Encyclopedia inside. He shut the door behind them and locked it.
Encyclopedia started. “What are you doing?” he asked suspiciously.
Bugs bared a feral grin at him. “Holding you for ransom.”
--
Sally nearly beheaded the Tiger who had come bearing bad news. Her knuckles were white around the handle of the racket and she looked infuriated. “What did you say?” she shouted at Duke Kelly, bearing down on him like an angel of doom.
“Hey, hey! Don’t kill the messenger!” Duke had his hands up in a placating manner. “Bugs just wanted me to tell you that if you ever wanted to see the boy detective again, you had to fork over fifty bucks.”
“Wow,” said Pedro, safe on the other side of the court. “That’s cheap.”
“Shut up!” Sally said, whirling to point a finger at him. He cowered at her glare. She turned back to Duke, still incensed. “How dare he? I am going to castrate him and feed him his own balls! And then give him a black eye or two. Fucker.” She stormed off to the bench where her tennis bag was, ignoring Pedro and Duke’s pained, wide-eyed looks.
“He should just be glad I’m not going directly to the police for this stupid, stupid scheme,” Sally muttered as she threw her racket into the bag. She wiped off her face with the towel and dumped that into the bag too. She zipped up and marched off without so much as a goodbye to Pedro.
Duke watched her leave the courts, his hands cupped protectively over his crotch. “Damn,” he said. “How can you like a girl like that?”
Pedro was sweating on the other side of the net. “I’m masochistic?” he said weakly.
--
Encyclopedia slapped a hand over his mouth, trying to stifle his cries. His other hand was fisted in Bugs’ hair. He vainly tried to keep his hips from jerking, and Bugs’ fingers were digging painfully into his thighs to hold him still.
The hot, wet mouth disappeared for a moment as Bugs lifted his head to glare at him. “Stop moving, idiot.” He ducked his head again and Encyclopedia swallowed a loud gasp, his shoulders jerking as his hips rolled up involuntarily, thrusting himself up into Bugs’ mouth. His head lolled back and hit the wall of the clubhouse with a muffled thump.
His vision was blurry and he couldn’t quite think straight. Bugs’ hair was thick and surprisingly soft under his fingers and his jeans were tangled low around his knees. His body was throbbing all over.
D-Damn, he thought, as Bugs stroked languorously with his tongue. Heat flashed through him.
Fingers prodded gently at his balls and Encyclopedia froze, breath hitching, and then with a muffled cry, came.
Bugs sat up, wiping at his mouth. He was grinning.
Encyclopedia shuddered, feeling fluid drip down his thighs, and decided he would do this bit of laundry himself. He lifted his gaze to Bugs’ and narrowed his gaze at the older boy’s smug look. “I should start charging you more than a dollar for this,” he muttered.
“Damn,” Bugs said cheerfully, leaning in again. “You’re a cheap whore.”
Encyclopedia rolled his eyes and tugged Bugs in for a sloppy kiss. He broke off after a long moment. “What was that?” he asked, eyes darting to the door. He had heard a crash outside, as if a bike had fallen down, and a muffled yelp, as if the person had fallen along with the bike.
“That’d be Sally,” Bugs said with a smirk. He shrugged at Encyclopedia’s wide-eyed, accusing stare. “Told her you were kidnapped. Had to get it through her thick skull that you were taken. Prettiest girl in tenth grade, what.” He snorted and pulled Encyclopedia closer with a blissful look. “Ah, revenge is so sweet.”
--
Started: 06.18.2006
Finished: 06.24.2006
--
Notes: I personally think The Berenstain Bears was the most brainbreaking fandom chosen, if not the most brainbreaking fic. Bears! Childhood! OMG. I was also a bit traumatized when I found out that MSB apparently has fanfiction written about it. Gah. Encyclopedia Brown, however, only makes me ridiculously happy. I love him so much. What, I totally still read those books, on pretense of getting them for my brother. :D
Also, I am a dork and a loser and I love GW. Hence, the MSB/GW crossover of sorts. ::gigglesnort:: I was actually going to throw in Janet as a tabloid reporter with Trowa as her tagalong "yes, dear" husband, but I decided I liked Trowa too much to do that to him.
And then I was going to write Sweet Valley Twins Steven/Todd but I decided it wasn't as brainbreaking and not nearly as fun. Perhaps another time!
P.S. I am not going to write this, but I would just like to point out if Howie and Eddie of Bailey School Kids were slashed, their pairing name would be: Howdie. :D
So, I hope that was sufficiently fun and painful! ♥
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