[Super Junior] Can't Resist This Thing Called Destiny, PG-13, Crack/Humor, various

[meiface.livejournal.com]

This is a ridiculous crackfic as originally inspired here. In summary, it went something like this:

filterpaper: Yay for incorporating canon events and explaining their headspace!
meitachi: I'm in their heads, trancribin' their thoughts.
meitachi: Or, you know, in their heads, gayin' their thoughts.

One very fine line ganked shamelessly from Tori's brilliance. :'D


Can't Resist This Thing Called Destiny
Super Junior, various*, PG-13, 3280 words
Meta-fic. What happens when cosmic forces decide SuJu need some helping along.

* KangTeuk, HyukSu, YehWook, Shindong/SNSD, MinRy, QMi, ShiHanChul, KiHae


Can't Resist This Thing Called Destiny
by meitachi

Somewhere, a fangirl opened up a new post in Livejournal and began to type. The repercussions of this were felt all over the world.

Actually, since she was primarily a Kpop fan at the moment, only Korea was really affected.

Specifically, a certain two dorms on the 11th and 12th floors of a certain building.

***

It was a normal morning when Eeteuk opened his eyes, except for the odd fact that he couldn't seem to breathe. This, he discovered, was due to the large body splayed next to and partially atop him.

"Er," he squeaked out, because anything louder would probably require more oxygen than was currently in his lungs.

Kangin rolled over, off Eeteuk, much to his relief. His head lolled on the pillow, mouth half-open in faint snores.

Eeteuk blinked. "Er," he said again, more manfully this time because he was no longer oppressed by half of Kangin's body weight. He was equally as confused as before, however. He was close to 90% sure that he had not gone to bed next to Kangin. And he was 100% sure he hadn't gotten drunk last night, so could reasonably rely on his recollection of what had happened.

...in fact, he was pretty sure (maybe 95%) that Kangin hadn't even been in the dorms last night. He had his own apartment, as he so often liked to brag.

All of these statistics fled Eeteuk's mind when he realized that he and Kangin were both lacking somewhat in the department of clothing. Quite a lot actually. In fact, one may even venture to say that neither had any clothing on.

It was then that Eeteuk shrieked bloody murder.

***

"What the bloody hell is he screaming about?" Junsu asked irritably, throwing an arm over his face.

Eunhyuk gaped at him, clutching his covers to his chest in his best impression of a terrified virgin which, okay, maybe he was. "I thought you were in Japan," he accused, voice at least two octaves higher than normal. Well, at least one.

Junsu cracked one eye open. "Huh," he said. "Me too. Weird. I thought that dream was just a dream."

Eunhyuk took a deep breath and closed his eyes. "I don't want to know."

***

"Is there a reason Junsu's in Hyukjae's room?" Sungmin asked Kyuhyun sleepily, sitting up and rubbing his eyes. His hair was sleep-mussed and tousled, sticking up every which way. He yawned. "And has hyung stopped screaming?"

Kyuhyun cocked his head, but he didn't hear Eeteuk anymore (from the 12th floor, honestly! they could learn to keep it down) so he shrugged. "I guess he's sorted out whatever stick was up his ass." He rubbed a towel over his damp hair and added, "Shower's free, if you want to get it before Jongwoon-hyung gets in there for the next hour."

Sungmin made a face, climbed out of bed, and stripped off all his clothes.

Kyuhyun stared. "Er," he said. "You know, hyung, most people wait until they're in the bathroom to do that."

Sungmin blinked down at himself, a moue of confusion on his face. "I know. I'm not quite sure why I did that..."

"That's..." odd, Kyuhyun started to say, but what came out instead was, "incredibly hot. Hyung, are you trying to seduce me?" He immediately looked appalled at himself and put down his towel. "What's going on?"

"I want you to suck my cock," Sungmin replied promptly and very helpfully. Unfortunately, his expression did not seem to support his words fully. In fact, his expression seemed closer to unhappy bewilderment and something along the lines of I'd actually prefer Sooyoung to suck my cock, if you don't mind. Unhappily for him, his mouth did not appear to care what he wanted, and continued by adding, in a sultry tone of voice, "Or do you want me to suck yours?"

At this point, Kyuhyun was deathly afraid the next word out of his mouth would be yes so he kept his lips pressed tightly together and groped madly for his phone to text for help (since, after all, he could not risk opening his mouth to shout for said help).

He sent a frantic text to Zhou Mi and sat down heavily on his bed, staring at his still-quite-naked hyung with great chagrin.

***

"Wo ai ni," Zhou Mi read off his phone. He grinned wildly, heart fluttering in his chest. "Oh Kui Xian, that's so sweet!" He rolled over onto his stomach, propped his arms on his pillow, and sent a rapid text back to Kyuhyun, kicking his feet in the air behind him.

***

Ryeowook had been up for some time, trying to compose a song trapped in his head that just wouldn't come out sounding right on paper. He was frustrated and suffering the composer's equivalent of writer's block which, as any author will tell you, is fuckall frustrating. Ryeowook agreed with this concept, except possibly he would have censored out the curse word. He was still Ryeowook, after all.

He was tapping his pen in annoyance against the blank staved paper before him when his phone beeped with a text message. He picked it up, welcoming the distraction, then frowned as he read it.

"Did he send this to everyone in his contact list?" he murmured to himself, shocked. Because he couldn't imagine that Zhou Mi had meant to text him, Ryeowook, the following: Oh Kui Xian, you are my favoritest favorite. I want to lick you all over and make you come during interviews so the interviewers ask you why you're so flushed. >:9

"Did you just get this creepy text from Zhou Mi?" Yesung asked, walking into the room, shirtless.

Ryeowook glanced up at him, and all thought of Zhou Mi fled. "I suddenly am so inspired to write a sappy love song about you," he said, eyes going soft as they drifted over Yesung's body.

Yesung looked distracted. "What?"

"The chorus will go something like: No one makes me feel the way you do. Your barest touch makes me tremble all over. I want to melt into your arms and lose myself all night long."

"Why Ryeowook," said Yesung, a lecherous grin spreading across his face, "I had no idea."

Me either, Ryeowook thought even as he suddenly found himself in Yesung's arms. What kind of terrible lyrics are those? I'm a much better composer than that!

***

"I am going to blackmail Seasoning for life with this text," Heechul exclaimed gleefully, rolling across the bed and happily kicking Hankyung in the shin.

Hankyung groaned and buried his face back in the pillow. He hated sharing his bed with Heechul, because it was never sharing; Heechul had never mastered the concept. He claimed, instead, in the name of Kim Heechul, and he defended his claim with kicks and sharp elbows and that superior tilt to his chin when he said, "Hankyung, I'm your guest. You have to let me have the bed."

And Hankyung always did, because it was Heechul, even though Heechul had a perfectly serviceable bed of his own just the next room over.

("I can't sleep there," Heechul had explained patiently to Hankyung on many occasions. "Do you know how obsessed Eeteuk is with keeping everything pristine and white? It's like living in a fucking insane asylum."

"Plus," he'd added five minutes ago, "he won't stop his incessant screaming, that twit.")

"I don't think you can," Hankyung muttered into the pillow, "because I got that text too. I think he sent it to everyone by mistake. You can't blackmail him with something everyone already knows."

Heechul's face fell. "I hate you," he said, and kicked Hankyung again. "By which I mean," he continued, "that I'd really like to fuck you senseless if you ever came around and stopped being so godawfully dense. Honest to God, Hannie, I think Heebum is smarter than you."

"This is the least romantic confession I've ever heard," Hankyung said, turning his head to look at Heechul.

"Weird," Heechul admitted, "this isn't how I'd planned it. I was going to do it through a fairy tale or something. You were going to be Prince Charming!"

Hankyung raised an eyebrow.

"But, y'know, fuck me hard and all night long, you Chinese tiger." Heechul waved a dismissive hand and smirked.

Hankyung, after a moment, said: "I can't actually tell what's out of character with you." But he reached out for Heechul's suddenly bare hip anyway and smiled when Heechul laughed into their kiss.

***

"Um, what exactly did you text?" Sungmin asked, now holding his sheet up to cover his nakedness, as all efforts to get redressed had been thwarted by some cosmic force. He looked worriedly at Kyuhyun, who still hadn't said a word and had been busy gaping at his phone for the past minute or so.

Kyuhyun looked up, eyes wild, cheeks flushed, and was about to answer when the door to their room flung open and Henry stormed inside. He pulled up short when he found Kyuhyun and Sungmin staring at him.

"Henry? What's the matter?"

Henry said, nervously, in his poor Korean, "I...don't know. I was supposed to be really angry for some reason." He switched to English, though he didn't sound any less nervous when he said, "You are so gorgeous."

"Sorry," Sungmin said, "I wasn't part of Full House. I wasn't there for that English lesson."

Somewhere, a cosmic force cursed and pulled up Full House for a rewatch.

"He said 'you're so gorgeous'," Kyuhyun translated. "Though I'm not sure, between the two of us, if I really have better English skills."

Sungmin despaired. "Does it matter at this point? Also, I'd like to point out, I'm still naked."

Henry appeared to be quite aware of this fact, and rather amenable to it, if the way he was eyeing Sungmin was any indication. Well, that and the fact that he was now peeling away Sungmin's sheet and going, "Hyung," in that soft, breathy, strongly-accented voice.

Kyuhyun closed his eyes and whimpered something about hating his life.

***

Eeteuk stumbled out of his room in time to see Henry disappear into Kyuhyun and Sungmin's room. He spared a moment to be thoroughly confused, but the feeling of confusion fled quickly in favor of feeling ill.

There was no way he'd slept with Kangin. No way!

Then again, he had been 90% sure he hadn't gone to bed with Kangin, but look, that had been proven wrong, hadn't it?

I hate math, he thought miserably as he made his way to the bathroom to cling to the sink until the nauseated feeling in his stomach passed.

He was quite occupied by this that he didn't notice Kangin slipping behind him until the warmth of another body pressed up against his back. Eeteuk's eyes flew open and he said, "Er," as he was, obviously, as the morning had proven, quite a master of conversation. His eyes met Kangin's in the mirror above the sink.

Kangin was wearing a grin. And, still, nothing else.

***

"Oh god, why is he screaming again?" Shindong groaned, pulling the covers above his head. He was really and truly regretting sharing a dorm with Eeteuk. And Heechul, too, who often went out of his way to make everyone's lives a living hell just because it entertained him. But at least Heechul wasn't prone to long, high-pitched screeches quite so early in the morning.

After a moment, Shindong said, "Huh," and pulled the covers back down under his chin. "Did I go to sleep with two naked girls in my bed?" he wondered to himself.

"No, but we thought you might like waking up with us," Sunny said with a tone matching her name. She grinned, bright and dazzling. Then she moved in an interesting way that pressed certain assets against Shindong's arm. His eyes widened.

"Hi oppa," Jessica added cheerfully.

Shindong's eyes widened further. "Oh god, Donghae's going to kill me."

"Don't worry," Sunny said, moving her assets again, much to Shindong's distraction, "he's not here. And it's probably Sungmin-oppa you have to look out for. He was sleeping with all of us. Or was supposed to. Or something." She frowned a little bit, confused. Then it passed and she smiled at Shindong again, a white flash of teeth.

***

Donghae was, as Sunny had said, not in the room. He had woken up, disoriented, in Kibum's apartment. Not quite in his bed, but on his kitchen counter instead.

"Ow, fuck," he complained, because Kibum's kitchen was tiny and the counter even more so. He slid off onto his feet and rubbed at his ass, only to find that despite what he had gone to sleep in (a t-shirt and pajama pants), he was now wearing only a pair of tight black boxer-briefs and a cross necklace that, upon closer inspection, looked to be Eeteuk or Siwon's.

"What the fuck?" he said, and looked up to find Kibum staring blearily at him.

"What are you doing here, hyung?"

Donghae grinned. "Kibummie! I haven't seen you in ages!"

"So you thought you'd break into my apartment more than half naked and sleep in my kitchen?" Kibum reached for a glass of water and inexplicably found himself holding Donghae's ass instead. They both stared at his hand.

"Kibummie," Donghae purred, managing to sound delighted and predatory at the same time.

Kibum sighed and allowed his hand to curve around the swell of Donghae's ass and pull him closer. "I thought I'd managed to get out of this by, you know, not being in Super Junior anymore, but I guess cosmic forces are harder to deny than that." He didn't look too hard-pressed when Donghae wound his arms around his neck and started nosing at his jaw, pressing warm kisses down the line of his neck.

In fact, he wasn't complaining at all when he suddenly found himself back on his bed, Donghae straddling him. He was under the impression that, according to cosmic forces, no one was allowed to complain, ever, should they find themselves flat on their back with a mostly naked Donghae straddling them to a bed. Kibum found that he generally agreed with cosmic forces on this point.

He then focused his energies on getting Donghae to laugh and moan and buck his hips at the same time (Kim Kibum had always had set higher goals than most) and ignored the phone as it rang.

***

"That little shit's not picking up," Heechul complained, glaring at his phone as if he expected Kibum to see his annoyed expression through it. "How am I going to find out if Siwon ended up with him?"

Hankyung considered this. "You could call Siwon." He was rewarded for his smart mouth with a slap to the side and a dismissive toss of the head when he grunted at the impact, rubbing at the sting.

"Don't be an ass, Hannie," said Heechul. "You know I've already called him. What could he be so busy doing that he won't answer my phone call?" He rolled off the bed and got to his feet in one graceful, fluid move, and stalked towards the window. He was carelessly naked and still ranting, hand gesturing angrily as he complained about Siwon's lack of respect for his elders. "With all I've done for him, you'd think he'd be just a little grateful, but no, look at him! He won't even answer his phone! It could've been a crisis! He doesn't know it's not! In fact, it is a crisis. I need to know where he is this instant."

"Um," said Hankyung, staring at the doorway. "I think I found him."

Heechul whirled around to find Siwon standing awkwardly just inside the door, completely nude, his hands floating self-consciously in front of his crotch, which the eye was drawn to down delicious abs by a fine line of dark hair...

"I may reconsider this God thing," Heechul murmured speculatively, a glint appearing in his eye. "Or at least some kind of very gracious cosmic force." He licked his lips and Siwon flushed. All over. Heechul's grin only widened.

***

So now hyung and Henry are making out on the bed next to mine, Kyuhyun texted in disgust.

Jealous? ;) Zhou Mi texted back.

Fuck you, said Kyuhyun grumpily.

Okay! :D

And that was how Zhou Mi ended up dragging Kyuhyun away from the X-rated scene that maybe Kyuhyun was legal to watch but really would prefer not to, thanks. And they were going to, ostensibly, get back to Zhou Mi's room before making out, but they never quite made it there, and, honestly, the couch was a good a place as any, right? No one would notice the stains.

***

"Stop screaming," said Kangin, wincing.

"Seriously," he said after a moment.

"Hyung," he sighed, rolling his eyes. He grabbed Eeteuk by the shoulders, turned him around, and effectively shut him up with a very long, very involved kiss that involved too much tongue and not enough oxygen for Eeteuk to manage anything louder than a whimper.

***

"Oh thank god," said Junsu, "I thought he'd never stop screaming. Seriously, how do you stand it?"

Eunhyuk ignored him. "Why are you naked in my bed?" he demanded hysterically. "I thought you were supposed to be in Japan. Answer my questions, you retarded stupid-smelling jerk."

Junsu laughed. "You suck at insults."

"You suck at life."

"Well, you look like a terrified little virgin, clutching those sheets like that."

Eunhyuk threw the sheet down defiantly and said, "Oh my god, I hate you, Kim Junsu. You sleep with prostitutes."

Junsu's grin was completely cocky. "Are you implying I should pay you?"

"I'd charge ten million won for a dirty loser like you," Eunhyuk scoffed.

"Too bad," Junsu drawled, still grinning. He lounged on Eunhyuk's bed, still naked, completely at ease. "Because, baby, I'd do you for free."

Eunhyuk paused. "Is that a weird thing for you to say or are you just a freak like that?"

Junsu shrugged. "Cosmic forces can't seem to make up their mind, so why don't we just make out? I'll slip you a couple thousand won if it'll make you feel better."

Eunhyuk launched himself at Junsu, fists at the ready, because he had the stupidest best friend in the world, but the wrestling turned into kissing turned into groping, and somewhere between Junsu's tongue in the hollow of his collarbone and Junsu's fist on his cock, Eunhyuk decided that, really, he had the best friend in the world.

***

Next door, Yesung made his way down Ryeowook's body, most pleased with the little moans and soft cries emerging from Ryeowook's throat. Just as he was about to swallow Ryeowook's cock, however, the younger boy sat up and panted, indignantly, "I really don't write lyrics that cheesy or bad!"

***

Somewhere, a fangirl slowed her typing and eventually came to a stop, letting her eyes linger on the text-filled screen. She was almost done with her cosmic work for the night. But something was missing...

After a moment, a smile appeared on her face and her fingers set to typing again.

***

"You," Donghae said in a low voice, rough and close to Kibum's ear, "have arms of sex."

Kibum smirked and put those arms of sex to good use, biceps flexing as he flipped Donghae off him, pinning him to the bed. "I know," he replied, eyes half-lidded. He rolled his hips, slow, and Donghae arched into the heat, liquid and languid.

Kibum licked his lips, hungrily, and lowered his head.

"Damn," Donghae sighed, "it's nice when cosmic forces are biased."




--

Started/Finished: 2009.05.26

Notes: Um. Yes. Clearly this entire fic is full of bias. Mostly it is written for my own entertainment and as a sort of loltastic tribute to fangirls (and fanboys!) in general, and SuJu fans in particular. Because we're awesome, amirite? ♥