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chineseinkOKAY FLASHFIC. READING MY FLIST MADE ME DEPRESSED ABOUT KIBUM AND WANT TO WRITE EQUALLY DEPRESSING KIBUM-CENTRIC FIC ALSKDJFSL. I love him so hard but that boy breaks my heart. This was written in one sitting in about, ehh, twenty minutes?
Who Will Be Your Wings?
Super Junior, Kibum-centric, PG, 1200 words
Kibum wants to leave the group. But if you want to fly, who will be your wings?
Who Will Be Your Wings?
by![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
meiface
When Kibum told the others he wanted to leave the group, there was a flurry of protest. Outcries against the very idea, sympathy for his plight but refusal to consider the idea at all.
"No, no," said Eeteuk, "we'll work something out, okay? You can still do all the acting you want. But we want you in this group still!'
"Super Junior wouldn't be the same without you," said Sungmin, reaching out.
"Don't be selfish, kid," said Kangin.
"I know it's hard, but just work with us, please, Kibum," said Siwon, earnestly. "You're important to us."
He took their words and admonishments, encouragement and pleadings, with a heavy heart. But he nodded and swallowed his own desires because after all these years - the members were important to him. Even if he had never felt like they were all brothers the way some of the others had claimed, Kibum still cared for them. And even he loved some of them enough to try.
He tried for a year, and then he couldn't lie to himself anymore.
When Kibum told the others he was leaving the group, there was a flurry of disbelief.
"No, no," pleaded Eeteuk. "What can we do to help? Can we change your mind?"
"Super Junior won't be the same without you," pleaded Ryeowook, tears welling up his eyes.
"Don't--" started Yesung.
"No," Kibum interrupted them, before it could go any further. He felt regretful, even sad, but his heart was lighter than it had been in months. There was no backing out now, only the open expanse of his future. "It's already been decided. I'm just telling you before the company makes it official."
He felt free.
It came with a price. Nothing in life was free and Kibum paid for his unfettering with tears. Eunhyuk's tears, Ryeowook's tears. Eeteuk cried and Sungmin cried too; Kangin and Shindong got angry and Siwon bowed his head. But though their reactions pained Kibum, they didn't tear at his walls, didn't waver the foundation of his decision. He was going to go through with it.
Even if the cost included the betrayal in Donghae's eyes and the disappointment in Hankyung's or the bitterness in Yesung's voice.
Even if Kyuhyun refused to speak to him.
Even if Heechul looked like he couldn't make up his mind between screaming at him or glaring at him in stony silence.
But he needed this. It wasn't that Kibum didn't love them (for a given definition of them, he thought, and it was a bitter-edged thought); he did. He did, sometimes in ways that worried him and stole his breath away. They had so many years of history. They had played crucial roles in shaping him, in the person he'd grown up to be; the person who now needed his freedom. He needed more than just breathing space; he needed stretching space to run and fall and find his own way.
Super Junior could no longer give him that.
"Hyung," he said softly. "Hyung, I'm sorry."
And he was.
But then Heechul texted him and asked to see him. When they sat down across from each other, Heechul shoved a glass across the table and poured soju for him, disregarding the traditional etiquette. "Here," he said abruptly, and Kibum prepared himself for another round of recriminations, harsher than any before, because Heechul's tongue had always been sharpest of them all.
Heechul only drank with him in silence for long minutes that piled into each other, tension melting away into familiarity and the warm burn of alcohol down his throat.
"I just want you to be happy, Kibum," Heechul said at last, voice soft, eyes dark as he looked steadily at Kibum. "If it takes leaving us to do that...well, I think you're an idiot. But I can't hate you."
Kibum swallowed and this time the burn in his throat wasn't from the soju.
He thought about it for a long time, leafing through old pictures, listening to old songs. He put on his headphones and laid on his bed, staring at the ceiling in the dark. Life couldn't get better, hey!
He thought about his acting dreams, cultivated since he was small. He thought about the exhausting schedule and life of an idol, the crazy fans, the sweat and tears. He thought about the fact that even though he cared about all of the members, he had never grown that close to so many of them. Even after all these years, he still set himself apart. Made it easy for them to leave him out.
In the dark, he remembered Donghae's smile and laughter. Kyuhyun's singing. Hankyung's easy grin in response to whatever ridiculous thing Heechul had said or done.
He remembered what it was like when he'd laughed with them.
"Why haven't they made the official announcement yet?" Yesung asked him irritably. "We might as well get it over with. Deal with the repercussions and backlash before Super Show II."
"I asked them to wait," Kibum said.
"Please," said Donghae.
And it should have taken more, but it didn't. Suddenly it was simpler than it had ever been before. He'd never thought one word could encompass so much. Kibum counted one, two, three heartbeats, and then he said, quietly, "All right."
Thank you for asking.
He could make this work. He would - they would - find a way together, for him to pursue his dreams will still remaining part of the group. They would make exceptions for him, as long as he promised to commit. He was finding that it wasn't as hard as it used to be - not that it had been hard at first. It had been so easy in the beginning, until somewhere along the way it had become too hard, struggling, always striving for something he was never going to achieve. Somewhere along the way, Kibum had stopped believing it was worth it.
But now he remembered what it was like in the beginning, easy, because it was nothing like that this time. It was still hard, but now he was remembering also - talking to Ryeowook over the phone, teasing Eunhyuk, joking again with Kangin - that it was worth it.
Siwon smiled helplessly at him, so thankful. Yesung cuffed him around the neck, grinning.
"You're an idiot," Heechul informed him, "but I'd prefer you being an idiot with us than without us." He smacked Kibum's side and smiled, one of his real smiles.
And Kibum couldn't help smiling back.
"I've missed your smile," Donghae told him, squeezing him in a hug from behind, voice muffled into his shoulder.
"Are you going to leave Super Junior?" she asked, and she couldn't have been more than fifteen, sixteen at most. She should've been in school instead of following him around and cornering him like her life depended on his answer to her breathless demand.
Fans, Kibum thought, shaking his head. Both a blessing and a curse.
"If you think that," he told her quietly, "then you don't know me at all."
Because he had wanted freedom, it was true, but some things were even more important. He had learned that.
--
Started/Finished: 2009.06.24
Notes: HINTS OF KIHAE BECAUSE I CAN. But really gen. It's more about their friendship, okay? Aaaaand, uh, this is not getting posted to miracle until after a day or so because I have a fratboy verse to update in the morning (<12 hours) and that gets priority because it doesn't depress me. :|
Who Will Be Your Wings?
Super Junior, Kibum-centric, PG, 1200 words
Kibum wants to leave the group. But if you want to fly, who will be your wings?
Who Will Be Your Wings?
by
meifaceWhen Kibum told the others he wanted to leave the group, there was a flurry of protest. Outcries against the very idea, sympathy for his plight but refusal to consider the idea at all.
"No, no," said Eeteuk, "we'll work something out, okay? You can still do all the acting you want. But we want you in this group still!'
"Super Junior wouldn't be the same without you," said Sungmin, reaching out.
"Don't be selfish, kid," said Kangin.
"I know it's hard, but just work with us, please, Kibum," said Siwon, earnestly. "You're important to us."
He took their words and admonishments, encouragement and pleadings, with a heavy heart. But he nodded and swallowed his own desires because after all these years - the members were important to him. Even if he had never felt like they were all brothers the way some of the others had claimed, Kibum still cared for them. And even he loved some of them enough to try.
He tried for a year, and then he couldn't lie to himself anymore.
When Kibum told the others he was leaving the group, there was a flurry of disbelief.
"No, no," pleaded Eeteuk. "What can we do to help? Can we change your mind?"
"Super Junior won't be the same without you," pleaded Ryeowook, tears welling up his eyes.
"Don't--" started Yesung.
"No," Kibum interrupted them, before it could go any further. He felt regretful, even sad, but his heart was lighter than it had been in months. There was no backing out now, only the open expanse of his future. "It's already been decided. I'm just telling you before the company makes it official."
He felt free.
It came with a price. Nothing in life was free and Kibum paid for his unfettering with tears. Eunhyuk's tears, Ryeowook's tears. Eeteuk cried and Sungmin cried too; Kangin and Shindong got angry and Siwon bowed his head. But though their reactions pained Kibum, they didn't tear at his walls, didn't waver the foundation of his decision. He was going to go through with it.
Even if the cost included the betrayal in Donghae's eyes and the disappointment in Hankyung's or the bitterness in Yesung's voice.
Even if Kyuhyun refused to speak to him.
Even if Heechul looked like he couldn't make up his mind between screaming at him or glaring at him in stony silence.
But he needed this. It wasn't that Kibum didn't love them (for a given definition of them, he thought, and it was a bitter-edged thought); he did. He did, sometimes in ways that worried him and stole his breath away. They had so many years of history. They had played crucial roles in shaping him, in the person he'd grown up to be; the person who now needed his freedom. He needed more than just breathing space; he needed stretching space to run and fall and find his own way.
Super Junior could no longer give him that.
"Hyung," he said softly. "Hyung, I'm sorry."
And he was.
But then Heechul texted him and asked to see him. When they sat down across from each other, Heechul shoved a glass across the table and poured soju for him, disregarding the traditional etiquette. "Here," he said abruptly, and Kibum prepared himself for another round of recriminations, harsher than any before, because Heechul's tongue had always been sharpest of them all.
Heechul only drank with him in silence for long minutes that piled into each other, tension melting away into familiarity and the warm burn of alcohol down his throat.
"I just want you to be happy, Kibum," Heechul said at last, voice soft, eyes dark as he looked steadily at Kibum. "If it takes leaving us to do that...well, I think you're an idiot. But I can't hate you."
Kibum swallowed and this time the burn in his throat wasn't from the soju.
He thought about it for a long time, leafing through old pictures, listening to old songs. He put on his headphones and laid on his bed, staring at the ceiling in the dark. Life couldn't get better, hey!
He thought about his acting dreams, cultivated since he was small. He thought about the exhausting schedule and life of an idol, the crazy fans, the sweat and tears. He thought about the fact that even though he cared about all of the members, he had never grown that close to so many of them. Even after all these years, he still set himself apart. Made it easy for them to leave him out.
In the dark, he remembered Donghae's smile and laughter. Kyuhyun's singing. Hankyung's easy grin in response to whatever ridiculous thing Heechul had said or done.
He remembered what it was like when he'd laughed with them.
"Why haven't they made the official announcement yet?" Yesung asked him irritably. "We might as well get it over with. Deal with the repercussions and backlash before Super Show II."
"I asked them to wait," Kibum said.
"Please," said Donghae.
And it should have taken more, but it didn't. Suddenly it was simpler than it had ever been before. He'd never thought one word could encompass so much. Kibum counted one, two, three heartbeats, and then he said, quietly, "All right."
Thank you for asking.
He could make this work. He would - they would - find a way together, for him to pursue his dreams will still remaining part of the group. They would make exceptions for him, as long as he promised to commit. He was finding that it wasn't as hard as it used to be - not that it had been hard at first. It had been so easy in the beginning, until somewhere along the way it had become too hard, struggling, always striving for something he was never going to achieve. Somewhere along the way, Kibum had stopped believing it was worth it.
But now he remembered what it was like in the beginning, easy, because it was nothing like that this time. It was still hard, but now he was remembering also - talking to Ryeowook over the phone, teasing Eunhyuk, joking again with Kangin - that it was worth it.
Siwon smiled helplessly at him, so thankful. Yesung cuffed him around the neck, grinning.
"You're an idiot," Heechul informed him, "but I'd prefer you being an idiot with us than without us." He smacked Kibum's side and smiled, one of his real smiles.
And Kibum couldn't help smiling back.
"I've missed your smile," Donghae told him, squeezing him in a hug from behind, voice muffled into his shoulder.
"Are you going to leave Super Junior?" she asked, and she couldn't have been more than fifteen, sixteen at most. She should've been in school instead of following him around and cornering him like her life depended on his answer to her breathless demand.
Fans, Kibum thought, shaking his head. Both a blessing and a curse.
"If you think that," he told her quietly, "then you don't know me at all."
Because he had wanted freedom, it was true, but some things were even more important. He had learned that.
--
Started/Finished: 2009.06.24
Notes: HINTS OF KIHAE BECAUSE I CAN. But really gen. It's more about their friendship, okay? Aaaaand, uh, this is not getting posted to miracle until after a day or so because I have a fratboy verse to update in the morning (<12 hours) and that gets priority because it doesn't depress me. :|
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