[SJ] The Case of the Disappearing Member, PG-13, KiHae/bandfic

[meiface.livejournal.com]

Blame thundersquall, ky_rin, and mardigrasmaven for our enlightening cracky discussions about what the fuck is up with Kibum and his weird tweets lately. My pile of abuse on him in this fic is done tongue-in-cheek because I love this idiot, though god knows why. See his Jan 30 tweets por ejemple.

I didn't mean for this to turn out KiHae but, uh, my cheerleaders always cheerlead me into it because they know me. Sorry for sheer gratuitousness and pointlessness. Oh god, the pointlessness.


The Case of the Disappearing Member
Super Junior (M), Kibum/Donghae, implied HanChul, QMi, others, PG-13, 3520 words
Crack. There's a reason no one knows Kim Kibum's name these days, but that's going to change whether Kibum likes it or not. Featuring burritos, a basketball game, and betting pools.

Warnings: light-hearted treatment of alcoholism


Three a.m. and the apartment is dark, blinds drawn against the night. The door is silent when it swings open but Kibum is loud as he hangs onto the doorknob and stumbles against the shoes in the entranceway that have found their way inexplicably beneath his feet. He curses and gropes blindly at the light flip. He squints at where it should be on the wall, but his fingers find nothing but fake wood paneling.

"Shit," he says again as he trips out of his Converses and the edge of the raised floor makes sudden impact with his shin. "Ow."

He gives up on the light. Light's overrated anyway. Darkness is great. Like the lengths and lengths of darkness outside his taxicab before he was finally dropped off. Longest cab ride ever.

Kibum finds himself staring at the ceiling and wonders how he ended up on his floor. Huh. Well, he's home now, even if he had to pay a small fortune to get here. Maybe the cab driver was driving in circles.

He closes his eyes because the ceiling's starting to spin. No more circles, he decides and shifts. His shin throbs and his ass feels kind of sore like he's been sitting for too long. Also— He lifts his hips and digs his phone out of his back pocket, where it was digging into him. "Hah!" Now he can lie down properly.

But his body still hurts. What a pain. He snickers at the pun. He should share that one.

He has to open his eyes in order to load Twitter on his phone but he keeps them slitted half-shut so his head doesn't throb more. Darkness is good.

Oh, look, someone tweeted at him. Kibum grins and taps out a reply, proud that he manages to spell everything correctly even though his eyes are half-shut and his body is aching all over. Would pain prevent someone from spelling correctly? Why does his body hurt so much? Kibum honestly doesn't understand.

Ugh, he's not feeling so great. Maybe he'll just shut his eyes again. Just for a little bit, until the pain subsides. Darkness is good. Darkness is great. It's like jumping into a pool on a hot summer day and being swallowed by cool water on all sides, soothing like nothing else. He's going to do it, he thinks. He's going to jump right into the darkness and let it embrace him like cool water. "From today on," he murmurs to himself, satisfied. "Dive right in."

He falls asleep still holding his phone.

--

"Heechul!" Donghae bangs into the room and Heechul jumps. He spins around in his desk chair to see Donghae bearing down on him, looking tired but frantic.

"Yah," he says, "I could've been sleeping."

"You're not sleeping, I saw you tweeting," Donghae retorts. He thrusts his phone out under Heechul's nose. "Look at this! What does it mean? Is he going to kill himself? Should I have followed him back?"

"Stop making crazy eyes, you idiot. Let me see." Heechul snatches Donghae's phone and reads the screen. It's on Kibum's Twitter page, where the most recent tweet is a reply about his body hurting. Right under it is, "From today on, I'm going to take the dive. Goodbye~"

All right. Heechul might be able to see where someone might be worried.

If that someone were Lee Donghae.

Heechul hands the phone back and says solemnly, "Yes, Donghae. You should've followed him back. Now he's suicidal because he thinks you hate him. Look at what you've done. Look at your life. Look at your choices."

Donghae makes crazy eyes at him again.

Heechul stares back at him.

"Heechul," Donghae says.

Heechul's expression doesn't change.

"Kim Heechul," Donghae says, a little more insistently.

Poker face. (No, you can't read my poker face, Heechul thinks gleefully.)

"Hyung," Donghae says desperately.

Oh, that's cheating. Heechul sighs and pulls Donghae close by the arm, until his ear is right by Heechul's lips. "Donghae," he says as reasonably and patiently as he can. "It's 3 a.m. The boy is flat-out wasted. Sloshed. Stinking drunk."

Donghae's face quivers a moment and then he's straightening. Tired as he might look, his eyes are flashing. "I will never follow him back," he declares staunchly and slams back out of the room, shoulders rigid.

Heechul sighs. Exes. They get so emotional.

--

Kibum wakes up staring into a pair of disapproving eyes. There's a mattress beneath him which is, huh, unexpected. Maybe he migrated here without realizing it - he's never been prone to sleepwalking but maybe it's something you can pick up over the years... The thought drifts away under the weight of the glare. Okay. Probably not. Probably the person that glare belongs to moved him.

He moves tentatively and flinches when his head echoes with a shooting pain. Oh. Yes. So he drank quite a bit last night then. He doesn't normally get hangovers, so this is a good indication that he might have gotten a little out of hand last night with the soju and beer.

A lot out of hand, he amends, as the glare intensifies. Kibum winces a bit and subsides back against the pillows, determining that it's better all around if he doesn't move.

He does open his eyes the rest of the way though and finds Super Junior's manager at his bedside, arms crossed. Ooh, not even his own manager. A step up. Kibum's almost flattered, except he's already preparing internally for the lecture that will flay him alive.

Instead he gets a sigh. "Kibum," the manager says wearily. "Let's talk about rehab."

--

Earlier, elsewhere, someone had an equally unpleasant wake-up call. "Who let him get a Twitter? We know he has a drinking problem, why would you let him get a Twitter! The point is to maintain his public image by keeping everything on the down low. Do you think a public Twitter will do that? Is that what you think will happen? Drunken tweets in the middle of the night, that will help maintain the squeaky clean image he needs under our label? Why do you think we've been trying to distance him from Super Junior recently? It's certainly not because he's the world-class actor he thinks he is, which is probably what led to the drinking in the first place. I need some coffee. Are you listening to me? Get me some coffee. No, not you, I'm talking to my assistant. You. You tell me, who let him get a Twitter? Fix this."

"Uh," said the confused fifty-two-year-old Kim Youngmok, who decided he also needed coffee. Or a fortifying shot of whisky. "I own a ceramics business. I think you might have the wrong number."

--

"He thinks about you a lot still, you know. He talks about you to me." Heechul doesn't really know why he's bothering, except needling Donghae is kind of a fun pastime. He grins at the way Donghae scrunches his brows together at him and scowls. At this rate, Heechul should start a point system for the reactions he can provoke on the topic of Kibum.

"He told me he wants you, me, him, and Yunho to all get married and live in one big house together."

Donghae snorts. He goes back to his bowl of cereal with vigor.

Heechul leans back against the counter and waits, a smile tugging at his mouth. Too much fun.

Donghae chews his cornflakes as loudly as he can, considering they've been soaked in milk. After he swallows, he says, "He wants us to get married to each other or to some girls, and then live together?"

"You know," Heechul says thoughtfully. "I don't think he knows."

"Hey!" Siwon bounds into the kitchen, a basketball tucked under one arm and grinning broadly. Heechul puts a hand over his eyes, lest he go blind from the reflection off those teeth. "Want to play some ball? Hyukjae's getting Kyuhyun and Sungmin too."

Donghae puts his spoon down and flicks a look at Heechul, who lets the smile bloom full-fledged. Ball or getting teased more? He doesn't think it's a hard decision and, sure enough, Donghae nods and tags after Siwon. Heechul smirks, smug at how well he knows Donghae, and follows.

--

"I want a burrito," Kibum says sullenly.

"Oh Lord," says the manager. "I thought we broke you off that dependency."

"If you want me to give up alcohol, you have to give me burritos." Kibum remains adamant. The chair is far less comfortable than his bed, his whole body still aches, and his stomach is in that awful hungry but nauseated state that promises to upend anything he might try to swallow. Still, Kibum has to have some standards to keep. He is not trading in and getting nothing in return. So burritos it is.

The manager makes a pained face. "Kibum. Do I need to break out the pictures? Do you remember the Burrito Phase? It was unpleasant. You were splotchy and greasy and unwashed. You gained weight. It was not a good phase. Let's not go back there, okay?"

"But burritos are delicious."

"So are vegetables! Tofu! Rice! What kind of Korean are you anyway?"

Kibum shrugs. "I spent some time in California." What could he say? He picked up the burrito affinity then and it has served him well since then. Well, until the Burrito Phase, which included both burritos as well as beer. It was only natural that he turned to beer and hard liquor after the burritos were removed from him.

His manager looks like he wants to cry. Or throw something at Kibum. "Kangin was not nearly this uncooperative."

"So send me to the army."

"Like we can let the public see how far you've fallen and destroy SM's reputation?" A scoff. "Rehab, Kibum. This is not an option."

"Burritos," Kibum insists, slouching in his hard plastic chair with determination.

His manager's expression has progressed from wanting to throw something at Kibum to wanting to throw Kibum out the window. "Don't make me call in the big guns, Kibum."

Kibum just stares at him, a little blearily but entirely belligerently. He won't back down on this. Standards - Kim Kibum has them.

--

"Okay, so, I still don't know why you broke up with him," Eunhyuk says during the game as they catch their breaths on the sideline. His hands are on his knees and his chest is heaving, but his head is turned inquisitively to the side, towards Donghae.

Donghae makes a face. "Why are we talking about this? This is ancient history."

"Sungmin told me that Ryeowook told him that Yesung heard from Siwon that Heechul was talking to you about Kibum. What's up with him?"

Donghae swipes his sticky bangs off his forehead and looks away. "I didn't know Yesung and Siwon gossiped."

Eunhyuk shoulders him. "Stop avoiding the subject."

"Siwon is such a slut," Donghae says and he has the nerve to look offended, like he has no idea how hypocritical that statement is. As a distraction tactic, it actually works: Eunhyuk is derailed by the disbelief over how dumb his best friend can be. "He hasn't been the same without someone to target his affections at. I blame Hankyung."

Eunhyuk lets out a snort. "Are you kidding me? Siwon's always been a slut, even when Hankyung-hyung was around. You just notice it more now because he's all over you even more, with only eight other members to spread his affection between instead of eleven."

"Maybe," Donghae admits.

"So you and Kibum—"

Donghae looks at him. "So you and Kangin-hyung—"

"Shut up! Stop changing the subject!"

"No, seriously." And the earnest puppy dog eyes make an appearance. "I thought he and Jungsu-hyung—"

"No, Jungsu-hyung and Heechul—"

"Lee Hyukjae, you are a lying liar who lies!" Donghae shoves him hard until he stumbles back onto the court and collides with Ryeowook, who yelps and falls into Yesung, who tumbles into Shindong, who takes down Eeteuk, who splats onto his back and moans.

"Oops," says Donghae. Eunhyuk covers his face with his hands.

Heechul looks at them from across the court, expression dark. "Lee Hyukjae," he says threateningly. "I will cut you in your sleep."

"How is this my fault!" Eunhyuk yelps. "Donghae pushed me!"

Donghae smiles disarmingly and waves at Heechul, whose glower melts away almost instantly into a more considering, weighing look. Damned biases, Eunhyuk thinks.

"Don't joke, Hyukkie," Donghae whispers when Heechul turns around. "Heechul and Hankyung were a thing, I thought everyone knew. And I broke up with Kibum because he thought I was cheating on him with you. What kind of person has no trust in other people?" Indignance.

"What makes him think I'd sleep with you," Eunhyuk whispers back. "I like girls!"

Donghae's face does this indescribable, complicated thing and then settles into a comforting look. "Sure, Hyukkie." Donghae pats his shoulder. "Right. Girls. I'll just tell Kangin-hyung that you called him a girl."

The game, already interrupted by the earlier domino sequence, falls into complete chaos as Eunhyuk leaps on Donghae and tries to smush his face into the ground, while Siwon decides it looks fun and leaps into the fray, and Sungmin decides this would be an opportune time to pour water down Kyuhyun's shirt.

Heechul moves himself to the edge of the court and surveys them all with a faintly patronizing look, like a king resigned to the fact that his subjects are all idiots. Even the ones not currently present.

--

The real reason Kibum and Donghae broke up was because Kibum had a kid. From some girl he didn't even know. In a dream. And in the dream the kid was Donghae, who grew up and wanted to call Kibum "Daddy" and climb in his lap, until Kibum woke up sweaty and horrified. This was when he started drinking and pushing Donghae away.

He did have the wherewithal not to drive, but Kangin at least could own up to his problem and deal with it. Kibum lived in a comfortable place called Denial, next door to Single and Alone. Forever.

That led to the Burrito Phase.

As has been said, it was not a pleasant phase.

Denial of burritos led to the Strong Liquor and I Don't Remember How I Got Here phase familiar to many a university student worldwide. Which eventually - via many a blurry night and long, long taxicab ride in the darkness - leads to here and now: Project Rehab.

No alcohol. No burritos. No Donghae.

Kibum doesn't think he'll be a fan.

--

"I hear he's going clean," Yesung says, leaning in close across the counter. He looks around furtively to make sure they're alone. They're not, since there are members at the breakfast table and Sungmin's poking around inside the freezer. Still, they are ignored, which is good enough.

"Rehab?" Siwon whispers back. His eyebrows fly up.

"Rehab."

"Think he'll last?"

"What's he got to motivate him?"

Siwon shrugs. "If he goes sober, he might be able to come back to the group. So..."

"But he hates group activities."

Siwon looks pointedly out the window over Yesung's shoulder, where Donghae has acquired a bicycle and is riding it in circles around Kyuhyun, looping and looping as Kyuhyun ignores him to talk on the phone. He looks like he's saying mean things, so he's probably talking to Zhou Mi.

Yesung turns to look too. He wrinkles his nose. "Donghae." The member in question makes grabby hands at Kyuhyun's phone. "Yeah, I don't get it. Three weeks."

Siwon fetches a blank piece of paper and starts making rows across it. "Three weeks, okay. Well, my money's on a month and a half."

Sungmin appears at Siwon's side, sucking on a cherry red popsicle that's melting rapidly over his hands. "Two weeks," he says. "The lack of burritos will break him."

Shindong's head pops over Sungmin's shoulder. "Five days."

"Three months," says Ryeowook, who's always believed in people.

Heechul sweeps into the kitchen. "He'll make it." He steals Sungmin's popsicle and sweeps back out.

Everyone in the kitchen stares after him. Then Siwon shrugs and writes it down. The final product gets stuck to the fridge with fan-gifted magnets, a chart in blue ink and neat handwriting wagering on the success of Kim Kibum's Project Rehab.

--

"Put me down for him making it," says Hankyung when he hears. "True love is a big motivator. And by 'true love' I mean 'desire for sex with Donghae'."

Heechul flops onto his stomach on his bed and scowls at the phone even though Hankyung can't see him. "I don't want to think about Donghae and sex."

Hankyung laughs outright. "Don't be a liar, Kim Heechul."

Heechul grins. "Okay, I enjoy thinking about Donghae and sex. But you can't bet on Kibum making it; I already did."

"Then we'll just have to split the winnings if we win."

"Like I would share anything with you."

"No, never," Hankyung agrees dryly. "I'll have you know I cried myself to sleep when I realized you guys gave Kangin a tribute at your third Super Show and not me."

That they can joke about this makes Heechul hide a smile in his pillow, but not before he snaps, "Shut up, you asshole, you left us first." The retort lacks bite, and Hankyung can tell. He gives back as good as he gets, mocking tone evident even in his awkward Korean. Tch. He's getting out of practice.

"Don't be jealous that you can't be as popular as me, Heechul."

"Please, I'm Super Big Star Kim Heechul."

"You can't self-proclaim that."

"Can't stop me, can you?"

"At least Lady HeeHee is fitting. You're like a set with Gentleman Mimi."

Heechul has been thinking along the same lines and has of late been trying to talk Zhou Mi into dressing up with him. Stupid magnaes who get all fussy and possessive and try to take up more of Zhou Mi's time and attention by being a total jerk to him, in the brattiest way possible. Yet it works. "Have I told you about how stupid Kyuhyun's being lately?" Heechul asks, settling in for a good long rant.

Hankyung sounds amused. "Still thinks making fun of someone is the way to their heart, does he?"

"Almost as stupid as Kibum," Heechul agrees, "but without alcohol." At least the alcohol part will be gone soon. Heechul likes his boys better substance-abuse-free (no smoking either, thanks) and happy. Kibum's getting started on the former. The latter will come.

--

Donghae makes a list of reasons to stop liking Kibum. It's the same list of reasons he isn't following Kibum back on Twitter:

1. He's stupid.
2. He's stupid and an alcoholic.
3. He's stupid and paranoid.
4. I hate his fat face. His face got better.
5. He doesn't even like me anymore.
6. He's probably too drunk to remember who I am.
7. He's probably too drunk to remember who he is.
8. UGH I HATE HIM

Then, at the bottom, an angry scribble: stupid fucking gorgeous nonexistent horrible alcoholic stupid stupid stupid i miss you, stupid

Donghae crumbles the list into a ball and tosses it into his trashcan. He even does it Siwon style to make himself feel better. It works, just a little.

No matter how angry, hurt, and frustrated he is, in the darkest, deepest corner of Donghae's heart where he keeps secrets he barely admits to himself, he knows he is triumphant and happy that Kibum followed him before he followed Heechul.

This is so messed up, he thinks, groaning. He leaves his room to find Ryeowook and make pathetic faces until Ryeowook makes him tea and food.

--

Kibum hates rehab. A lot a lot a lot.

There is no alcohol. There are no burritos.

There is the occasional Donghae picture as tweeted by Donghae himself or by one of the other members. Kibum sighs, ashamed of how pathetic he is. At least they let him keep his phone. He'll make it somehow.

--

Five years from now, they'll look back on this period of time and laugh. Five years from now, Donghae will be acting and choreographing dance for up and coming groups. Kibum will be modeling and trying to talk his agent into getting him into a drama with Donghae. Five years from now, Heechul will visit China (again) and drink with Hankyung (again) for no other reason except that they can, because they are not dumbfucks with alcohol. The winnings from the bet they won they'll have already squandered a long time ago. Five years from now, Kyuhyun will still not have stopped pulling Zhou Mi's pigtails, but at least they will officially be his alone to pull. Five years from now, Kangin will still not have let up bullying Eunhyuk for calling him a girl. ("That's Eeteuk, dumbass.")

Five years from now, Super Junior will still be around. And when their fans hear the name "Kim Kibum", they won't automatically think SHINee.

It might take a while, but they'll get there.




Started: 2011.01.31 | Finished: 2011.02.01
Notes: Unrelated, SS3 in Singapore was amazing. ♥